Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Why Carl Approves Names

Those who are interested in knowing the way of the Carl may wonder why the Carl offers a list of approved names throughout its hallowed site. Though your incapacity to comprehend the Carl is tiresome and lowers our estimation of you severely, we will lower ourselves to explaining the reasons behind our teachings.

While the Carl disapproves of procreation on principle (hence the emphasis on yaks and dolyaks in its adult entertainment material - there's little danger of impregnation in such assignations), it does recognize that not all are as enlightened as the Carl when it comes to the production of offspring. If you must engage in the creation of lesser beings, the least you can do is dub them with a Carl-worthy sobriquet.

Since you are clearly a heathen in the ways of the Carl, we seek to educate you in names which are worthy of a nod of approval from the metaphorical head of the Carl. However, since you may not possess the Carlness to intuit the way of Carl naming, we will educate you more explicitly. There's no need to thank us for our divine intervention. Seeing the next generation of snot-nosed brats grow up with Carl-worthy names will be a sufficient expression of your gratitude.

Rule 1: Blorf must be part of every name.

While it is unlikely in the extreme that your children will be worthy of having Blorf as a first name, you must include that name somewhere in your progeny's name. You can give it a middle name or several middle names and place Blorf amongst those names. If you already have a child and have not named it with Blorf in any way, you may nickname or legally rename your child with Blorf. This will increase your Carl credibility greatly.

Rule 2: You should try to incorporate a descriptive name.

Good examples of this are "Hogun the Unpredictable" or "Pehnsed the Loudmouth." If you are a filthy monkey, you might name your child something like "Griddletoe the Feces Thrower" (full name "Griddletoe Blorf the Feces Thrower". If you are a practitioner of the rhythm method, you could name your child "Blunder (Blorf) the Accident" (Blunderblorf is a righteous name by itself, of course). Of course, if you are a practitioner of the rhythem method, then you should rename yourself "Ding (Blorf) the Imbecile".

Rule 3: You should try to use funny sounds in the name so that other people might amuse themselves by saying the name.

Words that end in "k", "i", "y", or "g" and start with "do" and "bl" have the greatest potential to amuse. A good example of this is "Mok Waagwaag". Words that bring to mind more entertaining words are also desirable. These include "scutum" and "spetum." While naming your child "Blikk Blorf Scutum" may get him kicked in the 'scutum', his sacrifice will be worth the hours of entertainment you'll receive from saying each and every part of his name.

Rule 4: Bodily fluids and processes, amusing objects or amusing word plays are desirable incorporation.

Bear in mind that "amusing word plays" do not include pathetic puns. "Molotov Rocktail" is good. "Sir Dancelot" and "Boner Pimpson" are bad. "Flek Grokspit" is good. "Pooby Brownfoot" is also good. The important thing is to carry the suggestion of the concept you want to get across, but to not be too obvious about it.

The Carl looks forward to hearing the names of your vile spawn or your efforts to rename yourself. You were unworthy of our assistance, but we offer it in our infinite benevolence. You're welcome!


Shawn said...

In all fairness, Sir Dancelot isn't all that bad, it's just too clich├ęd. I also think that "Smock" is underrepresented in this listing; smock (and quark, of course) are both Carlrrific words in themselves, but are rather difficult to incorporate into names. Any who wish to attempt such a procedure are encouraged to do so, but may proceed at their own discretion. The Carl is not responsible for any unfortunate consequences of these actions (i.e., instances of "Smocky Blorf Quarkington" are not our fault. ... although 'Quarkington' is a great name... hm).

Nick said...

Heh. Perfect timing! My wife and I have been trying to come up with names. Now I have the perfect guidebook for when our child arrives in May. I can almost see the headlines of the future now: Diggy Hole Blorf Sherwood finds his way to China while his brothers Soggybottom Blorf and Yak Sak Jack Blorf create problems for the Yak community by leading a bunch of them into the swamp on a wild goose chase for corn and nachos! Imagine the adventures they'll have!