Saturday, January 19, 2008

Dizzy Carl Races Mnkys

Sources confirm that recently dervish Dizzy Carl was seen racing Ban Draoia and Sir Bores of MnKy. The race began in Lion’s Arch and ended in Ascalon City with checkpoints in Beacon’s Perch, Ice Tooth Cave, Frost Gate, Yak’s Bend, Grendich Courthouse and Piken Square. Dizzy, however, chose to take a more scenic route. We spoke briefly with Sir Bores who was still shaking his head and wondering how he got so hopelessly lost.

Ban Draoia had been leading the race from Lion’s Arch to Ascalon City. They had traveled through swamps infested with bog scales and mergoyles. It was slow going for some time until they got to the Northern Shiverpeaks and the pace picked up through the ettins, the centaurs and the dryders. When they reached the stone summit and the ice golems; though, Ban lost her lead to Sir Bores who led until they reached Ascalon territory.

Once there Dizzy took the lead; she led Ban and Bores on a dizzy tour of old Ascalon. Bores was heard to remark that he hadn’t ever seen some parts of the map that Dizzy led them through and wonder aloud if he even remembered where they were going anymore. Dizzy promptly told him not to worry he was just embracing his inner Carl. Bores replied that Dizzy shouldn’t be allowed out without a map, a compass and a GPS system.

Ban tried to guide Dizzy somewhat while she was taking a nap in the dirt of the Diessa Lowlands. Dizzy, however, was proving extremely resistant to guidance. If Ban told Dizzy to go a little further along the banks of the tar river, Dizzy went in the opposite direction. Dizzy enlivened the race considerably by taking a detour through the Flame Temple Corridor where Charr abound.

By this time Ban had become so confused and totally lost that she had given up leaving Sir Bores and Dizzy Carl to finish the race without her. She was seen to be howling with laughter while listening to Dizzy and Bores as she watched the competitors cross the finish line.

Once again Dizzy has shown herself to be a true Carl. Only a true Carl could get two experienced MnKys so totally confused and ridiculously lost.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Inebriated Journalist Libels The Carl

"Shing Jea Sherman" slanders Tankarific Carl during a recent foray to Tarnished Haven.

A drunken "journalist" from the Monastery Gazette stood in the town of Tarnished Haven and loudly insulted passersby. The so-called news reporter goes by the sobriquet "Shing Jea Sherman", and seemed to have nothing better to do with his time than to stand around making loud, slurred, and often derogatory proclamations about those who had the misfortune to walk in his general vicinity.

Sherman remarks on what he mistakenly concludes is Tankarific's obsession with displying and mounting preserved heads.

In addition to remarking on the addictions, questionable parentage, and body odors of those who unknowingly wandered into his field of view, Sherman accused the Carl of having a fetish for displaying the heads of decapitated foes. While the Carl possesses a great many fetishes such as those for smocks, wombats, corn, fancy pants, and nipple-dying, it possesses no taxidermic proclivity which could technically be considered a fetish. It's actually more of a hobby.

State secrets spill from the mouth of an idiot.

Though Sherman's random slanderous commentary was a nuisance, it paled in comparison to his troubling public announcements regarding top secret Carl behavior. In addition to talking about Tankarific's status as an Ebon Vanguard secret agent in a non-secure fashion, Sherman also rambled on about the secrets of corn, Koss's amazing Afro power and how it can be employed to scour even the most stubborn dried-on, burnt-on food in roasting pans, and, most devastatingly, where the Carl purchases its vast collection of sequined underpants.

Said Tankarific Carl, "we have ways of dealing with the likes of Sherman, though I'm currently too drunk to remember what they are."

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

He of the Fanciest Pants

The striking figure shown on the left is the long-heralded FancyPants Carl. Most known for his affinity for all things fancy (most particularly those pants-related), you can see that he has impeccable fashion sense. Note the bleached-blond and styled hair; the carefully crafted three-o-clock shadow that somehow seems to stay the same length year-round; the deftly painted purple man-nipples proudly displayed on his breastplate; and, of course, the striking pants (if so they may be called), adorned with enough spangles for a Vegas dancer and a convenient crotch-flap for plumbing-related emergencies. Yes, FancyPants represents a pinnacle of fanciness that most can scarcely dream of, let alone create. And don't be fooled; despite the fact that someone (obviously) created him, he cannot be controlled. Indeed, he is a force unto himself, fancying things up wherever he travels.

As promised, more details regarding he who bears the fancy pants are forthcoming; reported sightings are documented from regions throughout the Guild Wars universe. If you are particularly blessed (or happen to be carrying rhinestones), one day you too could have the chance to meet FancyPants in all his splendor. If this is the case, please try to refrain from staring lest your eyes be roasted like fine kernels of corn from the light reflecting off his splendid vestments.

Now, just as a teaser for things to come, I leave you with a brief glance at the wonder that is known only as "The Dance of the FancyPants":

Separated at Birth 2: FancyPants Edition

Shown above: A man with fancy pants (not pictured) and a bad razor alongside a Guild Wars character. More details to follow.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Carl Delights in Planetarium Experience

Tankarific Carl claps his hands in glee at the globe action at one of several displays depicting the currently known celestial bodies.

A new display in Nahpui Quarter was launched today as part of an effort on the part of Canthans to both draw more tourists to their dismal, shack-filled streets and towns as well as to educate the masses of homicidal, largely-unwashed, and incoherent heroes passing through the areas surrounding the capital, Kaineng City.

Tourists enjoy a stroll through the scenic and culturally rich areas of Cantha during a day trip before running off and killing things. (file photo)

A verbose Nahpui busybody with the self-aggrandizing name "Adept" Nai who frequently accosts those passing through Nahpui and yammers endlessly at them about things he thinks they should know and do was quoted as saying, "the local government and citizenry desire to share more with passing tourists than just grilled kabobs made from the diseased flesh of expired afflicted and poorly-made rice wine. We've even expanded our normal fare by opening the "Celestial Café" so that heroes can sample a greater variety of our cuisine. He went on to say, "we also wanted to share our rich culture and expansive understanding of the heavens, all 5 planets of it." "Adept" Nai continued to say more things, but the Carl was frankly bored by then and wandered away.

The Carl noted that a large part of the culture in the areas around Kaineng City appeared to include the hanging of tattered rags between buildings on laundry days, constructing ramshackle homes and bridges of dubious structural integrity from rotting wood, and fending off the advances of amorously-minded Am Fah gang members with breath reeking of afflicted flesh kabob who are inebriated to the gills on rice wine. Such gang members drop from the sky without notice and become violent when their advances are summarily spurned. Considering the various forms of "culture" in the area, being accosted by Am Fah is one of the highlights of the experience.

After fully drinking in the cultural "delights" of the areas outside the city, Tankarific Carl took a purportedly "educational" field trip to the new planetarium in Nahpui Quarter to view displays of the known universe, though mainly he just wanted to watch things spin and glow. After occupying himself for several hours by watching the brightly-lit, rotating orbs, Tankarific tried the new gustatory treats on offer at the highly-touted "Celestial Cafe". He pronounced the "Celestial Burger" (a patty of seasoned expired afflicted flesh on a sesame seed bun with "secret" sauce) and a "Celestial soda" (cheap rice wine) to be "barely edible", but "filling, sort of like having a cannon ball in the gut."

The planetarium is open 24 hours a day and admission is free. The Celestial Cafe will remain open as long as afflicted keep dropping dead of disease in the streets so their corpses can be recycled into burgers and the eyeballs squished into "special sauce."

Lessons in Carl #2

Welcome to the second lesson in understanding what it is to be a Carl. If you missed the first lesson, you can go back and gain "wisdom" from it here.

Note, however, that intense exposure to Carl for long periods of time may cause you to develop a rash in your sensitive body parts. The Carl will not be held responsible for any disfigurement or discomfort that results from prolonged exposure.

Choose the best answer to each of the following questions (or do whatever you feel like):

1. Which of the following statements are true:
  1. The Carl is never wrong.
  2. The Carl is often wrong, but does not care.
  3. The Carl is often wrong, but is always right.
  4. The Carl redefines truth as it sees fit.
2. When shopping, the Carl will do the following if receiving incorrect change in its favor:
  1. Keep the change.
  2. The Carl never counts change.
  3. The Carl can't count change.
  4. The Carl uses a debit card and doesn't get change. Don't be stupid.
3. If the Carl could manifest physically, what would it most resemble:
  1. A platypus.
  2. A duck-billed platypus.
  3. A pink duck-billed platypus.
  4. A platypus-billed duck.
4. What is a codpiece:
  1. Carlish undies.
  2. A bit of fish.
  3. We're not sure but the important thing is that you shouldn't look under one.
  4. Something which the Carl wears, but rarely washes.
5. What is a Carl's food of choice:
  1. Corn.
  2. Pizza.
  3. Corn pizza.
  4. Grubs.
6. Which of the following words is most Carl:
  1. Corn.
  2. Smock.
  3. Quark.
  4. Nahpui.
7. Based on the information you discovered about the Carl in lesson 1, what do you think is its disposition regarding scoring of this test:
  1. The Carl cares not for scoring.
  2. The Carl wants to confuse you by offering these tests and making you wonder whether it cares about your score or not.
  3. The Carl has already grown bored and wandered off to look at shiny things.
  4. If you were a Carl, you wouldn't care what the other Carls thought.
  1. "3" The Carl delights in confusion and "3" is the most confusing answer. Therefore, it is the most correct answer.
  2. "2" The Carl, while fiscally prudent and interested in grubbing for every cent it can get its greedy little paws on, is incredibly lazy.
  3. This was a trick question. None of these answers is correct. If the Carl could manifest physically, the world would likely come to an end as it could not bear the incredible sight that it was beholding. Major religions would lose their believers as they would choose to kneel in supplication to the Carl.
  4. "4" Washing your codpiece is for losers.
  5. "2" While the Carl covets corn and seeks to hoard it for purposes you are not yet ready to know, it doesn't actually eat it.
  6. While all of these words are very "Carl", "2" is the most Carl for patently obvious reasons.
  7. "2" This one was too easy. The Carl is generous toward you in lobbing softballs so that you can feel better about your progress toward understanding the tao of Carl. Don't expect it to always be so lenient.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Fashionable Carl

For the fashionable Carl, there are many options available, from the elegant to the frightening, something can be found for all.

For the elegant Mesmerizing Carl, The Granite Citadel, buried in the Southern Shiverpeaks of Tyria, was well worth the fight to get there there. Dyed a lovely burgundy, it is perfect for everyday wear.

She also found the effort to get the snooty Asurans to like her well enough to craft this elegant gown highly worthwhile. The yellow highlights stand out, and make this the perfect wear for hobnobbing with the dignitaries who are constantly begging Carls for help.
For those with a slightly more risque taste, like Tempermental Carl, there is the Krytan style. Found in Cantha in a small shop hidden away on Bukdek Byway, it is heavily guarded by knights who wish only their own ladies to have access to such an enticing outfit. Dyed a lovely silver, this gown practically glows, making it all the more distracting when fighting those Jade Brotherhood knights, and Am Fah assassins.
However, even Tempermental knows that wandering around in that outfit in the snow was just asking for frostbite, so she hunted enough creatures for the Norn seamstresses to find her acceptable so they would create for her this lovely fur-lined outfit, which is both warm and fashionable.
When Tempermental realized that the blinding glow of her Krytan outfit would occasionally also blind the henchmen she hired to do the heavy work, she decided to find something just as distracting to the enemy, but with more color. After searching mightily, she discovered in the outpost called Eye of the North a tailor who crafted this lovely yellow vision.

Confused Carl was after a very different look, although strangely enough, she found it in the same places Mesmerizing found her elegant gowns. For those times when she was going to be surrounded by minions (who really are quite messy) she wanted something a bit more protective than the usual. In the Granite Citadel, she discovered just what she wanted. Highly protective, and easily cleaned of bits of "jerky" aka her minions, she was quite content with this outfit for everyday use.

However, in her wanderings, she discovered something a little more fashionable and still to her strange taste. The Asurans created for her this unique outfit, which she promptly decided was her new everyday wear. Although her first outfit still resides in her closet, it only comes out when the heaviest of battles will be going on.
There is something for everyone, though getting to where you can get what you want can be difficult. For the truly fashion conscious however, no effort is too great.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Carl Hobnobs With Dignitaries

Respected dragon ally Kuunavang chats amiably with Tankarific Carl at a victory bash in Kaineng City.

SOCIETY NEWS — At a party in the capital city of Cantha, the Carls rubbed elbows with some of the area's highest level officials, including the emperor, following a successful liberation of the area from the forces of egomaniacal, megalomaniacal, and just plain maniacal former imperial bodyguard Shiro Taguchi. While the Carls were asked to keep their elbows to themselves by stunned royalty, feathers ruffled by their overly familiar behavior were quickly smoothed by the liberal application of vast quantities of rice wine.

The celebration in honor of the triumphant Carls included an epic feast including corn on the cob, cornbread, Cornish game hen, popcorn, grits, corn tortillas, corn soup, caramel corn, maize wine, candy corn, Kournan corn chowder, and pie. One Carl was heard to ecstatically remark, "these Canthans really know their corn for a rice-eating people!"

Shiny, pretty, fireworks set off in the Carls' honor.

In addition to vast quantities of food and drink, the party featured a lengthy display of fireworks around the imperial court. Bystanders cheered at the Carls and expressed their gratitude at having been "saved" by the easily confused, yet peculiarly effective, heroes.

A phoenix such as those commonly kept as pets in the Emperor's court. (file photo)

The revelers danced, imbibed, and gorged themselves until late into the evening when the party was called to an unceremonious halt after one of the more sanity-challenged Carls started chasing one of the many pet royal phoenixes around the court with the stated intention of barbecuing it.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Deranged Elf Strikes Again

A mentally imbalanced elf has once again attempted to inspire fear and mayhem. Previously, he hectored and killed native desert reptiles by pelting them with conjured snowmen. This time, his intended victims were the inhabitants and visiting tourists of the town of Augury Rock. While running constantly, the foul-smelling elf called forth a series of dark ghosts that gasped hauntingly and bared their hideous teeth and talons at all and sundry. He mumbled incessantly about wanting everyone's "corn with a 'k'" as he called forth ghosts from the sandy floor and sprinted in circles hyperactively. It is unknown whether he was drugged, intoxicated, or merely applying some sort of speed-enhancing spell to make him more difficult to catch.

Snowmen invoked by the wicked trickster in order to harm indigenous hydra. (file photo)

One witness was said to remark, "to be honest, the ghosts that that he called forth didn't last very long so it wasn't that big a deal. While it was a little creepy being surrounded by them for a few seconds, it was far worse being downwind from that disgusting little pixie." Another witness said, "I'd have happily given him a whole silo full of this "korn" if I knew what it was and had any to give, if it would have made him go away."

Authorities are asking everyone to be on the lookout for the nameless elf. He is reported to be about 4 and a half feet tall, weighs about 100 pounds and has a pronounced "ale belly". He has beady brown eyes, wears wire-rim glasses, and has a perpetually sour look on his face. He also may be wearing over-size novelty ears that are long and pointy or may be suffering from a disfiguring birth defect. His typical costume is a fur- and gold-trimmed green coat, red tights, and a large green and gold "dunce cap." He is also prone to dancing a jig with no warning whatsoever. He is considered to be irrational and very dangerous, particularly if you are a hydra or sensitive to the smell of unwashed, ripened elfin body odors.

If you see him, do not approach him on your own but hastily contact the proper authorities. If you must approach him, do so with a high pressure hose and a squirt gun full of liquid soap.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Elf Terrorizes Local Reptiles With Snowy Wrath

A frightened hydra is hit with a deluge of snowmen.

A warrior elf wielding a sword forged of pure ice terrorized local reptiles with a lethal rain of snowmen. The elf ran around in circles screaming something about "3-headed squirrels" at the frightened hydra as an army of snowmen seemed to just drop from the sky.

Snowmen fall continuously from the sky in a heavy, cold rain of pain.

As the confused and increasingly unnerved reptiles attempted to fight back with their natural fiery defense against the snowy attack, the deranged elf started to stab at them with his icy sword. Witnesses on the scene who wished to assist the terrified reptiles were apprehensive about intervening due to the violent behavior of the elf as well as the offensive odor emanating from the tiny, green-clad, pot-bellied menace. A lack of regular hygienic practices is often a sign of mental illness.

The deranged elf chases a hydra with his icy weapon.

Hydra are native inhabitants of the desert areas of the Ascalonian territories and do not hunt humans as part of their normal diet. However, they are large and dangerous creatures with small reptilian brains that easily misinterpret incursions into their territories as threats. While they will respond if provoked, they will not attack if efforts are taken to avoid trespassing on their territory. The elf's reckless and provocative behavior could not be justified or explained as anything but mental instability or unadulterated cruelty to animals.

Lessons in Carl #1

The Carl cannot be learned through a textbook or even a straight-ahead classroom experience. It must be experienced and understood through indirect teaching methods. You have to learn to see the world through Carlish eyes.

Since none of the Carls are willing to loan you their eyes, you'll have to re-train yours to view the world in proper Carl fashion. This applies to every experience in your life, but you have to start somwhere so let's start with superheroes.

It's not that we Carls have a fascination with superheroes per se. To be honest, we have a greater interest in the more exciting and colorful aspects of life such as funny names, wombats, and corn. However, you cannot begin your Carl lessons with something as incredible and sophisticated as the Carlish perception of corn. It's just more than you can handle at this stage of your development. So, you must start off with something very low on the importance scale.

For your first lesson, you will be asked to rate the C.Q. (Carl Quotient) of the superheroes pictured above. You should rate their Carlishness from 1 to 10 with 10 being the epitome of Carlish perfection and 1 being the mimimum universal allowance of Carl. Rate each hero below:
Show your work. You can write on your computer's display, or type up a comment telling us your thought processes. We won't read them, but we expect you to make the effort regardless. Do it now. Do iiiiiit!


When you're finished deeply pondering the C.Q. of each of these heroes, keep in mind that you've already failed part of the Carl test because a Carl never thinks deeply about anything. After you get finished hanging your head in shame and realizing we're laughing at you (if you were already a Carl, we'd laugh with you), scroll down to see the answers and calculate your score.


Thor: Thor gets points for carrying a hammer and having cool somewhat pirate-style slouchy-topped boots. He also has a nifty, woody-sounding name. He loses points for having long, blond hair like some stupid hunk of man-cake on the cover of a Harlequin bodice ripper. He also loses points for having what looks like a stove top appliqued on the front of his bodysuit (and for making me use the word "applique" in the previous sentence). He also eats apples to sustain his life force instead of corn and that lowers him on the Carl scale. Finally, his character is derived from Norse mythology and the Carl appreciates that sort of stuff. The Carl doesn't know why it likes it but it just does. Thor scores a 6 on the Carl scale.

The Flash: Violating the laws of physics scores big points on the Carl scale as we appreciate any unlawful behavior that doesn't actually get you arrested. After all, the Carl violates the laws of sanity. He loses points though because he's basically a guy who can run really fast. How boring is that? He also has tiny lightning bolts stapled to the side of his head and the Carl would prefer they were on his butt. On the bright side, his costume is cheesy and a little on the festive side. He's a hero and he's not afraid to show it by running around in a flaming red, skin-tight suit. The Flash rates 5 on the Carl scale.

The Tick: Okay, this one was a "gimme" so you could get a higher score. The Tick is clearly a 10 on the Carl scale. He rambles incoherently. He has antennae growing from his head. His rallying cry is, "spoooooon!" He's all blue. He's based on one of the most unappealing insects in the world and doesn't try to be cool or quippy. He is clueless and belongs in a loony bin. He's pure Carl distilled into superhero form. He couldn't be more Carl if he was doing the hornpipe and eating corn.

Superman: Superman is the most popular hero in America and is clean cut, well-mannered, hard-working, and devoted and that really hurts his C.Q. He's a 50's kind of guy who for some reason has a 60's kind of girlfriend. The fact that Superman is so clean cut that he's not cool gains him a point or two on the Carl scale, but choosing a girlfriend most people just hate and feel is a bad match for him cuts down a bit on his gains. No self-respecting Carl is going to condone Lois Lane. On the other hand, he wears his Underoos on the outside and that gives him big points. However, we don't like his hair. Nuff said. C.Q. = 2.

Calculating your Carl score:

Subtract the difference between your answer and the official answers given above. Find the sum of those differences and compare your sum to the scale below:

0-8: Carl Nirvana is at hand.
9-17: You've got potential but need some attitude adjustments. You've still got too much sanity left to pass for Carl.
18-26: You're starting to get in the swing of things, but still have a long way to go.
27-36: You've barely gotten started and probably really don't know what the Carl is but are just lamely guessing because you want it so bad (we don't blame you for wanting it, everyone does) and it's going to be a harsh corn-less road ahead for you.

Finally, if you bothered to score yourself, you're very likely nowhere near being a Carl. Doing math is effort and the Carl is not a fan of effort.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Who Is Carl?

Many people upon encountering the Carl for the first time wonder who we are. Their curiosity is understandable given the attractiveness of the Carl and what I am sure is a strong approach-avoidance conflict regarding being a part of it. After experiencing the Carl for brief periods of time, people gain a modicum more of understanding of it as well as feel a little dyspeptic, dizzy and disoriented.

Despite having the great honor of associating with the Carl in a more intimate setting, most folks still do not know who (or what) we are. First of all, it should be made clear that, despite the fact that we all are Carl and all our names include the name Carl, we are not one person. In fact, I'm pretty sure we're not even all of the same species though I'm nearly certain we encompass all the three available genders (but frankly, I'm afraid to "check" and verify this fact).

Though the Carls tend to congregate in on-line games, they are not only represented by the three folks taking part in this web site nor are their dealings confined to playing any particular game (though at the moment, Guild Wars is our playground of choice). Some Carls are out there operating outside of the core group, but they are still a part of us as they, too, tap into the essential spirit of Carl as they go about the business of amusing themselves and others.

So, in answer to the question, "who is Carl," I can only say there is no one Carl, but many of us, and we all have the same goal in mind. That is, to have no goals and to never answer the question about who or what the Carl is in a satisfactory fashion and to leave all and sundry befuddled in their wake.

Large-breasted Giantess Derides the Carl

A mammary-enhanced giantess named Jora belittles Tankarific Carl's fighting abilities.

The Carl, despite its magnificent ability to be confused and to get lost, is a potent fighting force. When the Carl needs corn or is simply bored and feels like wandering around and killing time, nothing will stop its ability to vanquish its enemies. Well, not nothing. Death tends to put a bit of a damper on things. Nonetheless, the Carl can send its enemies to the happy hunting ground when it feels like making an effort.

After a particularly effective campaign (much corn was gathered and many enemies now fertilize the soil with their odoriferous remains), Takarific Carl was dismissed as a mere "human" by the whining giantess who asked for assistance in the first place. Perhaps she felt her towering stature and opulent boobage would cow him into a submissive response, but Takarific is not amongst the mammaphobic (or as they say in scientific circles - "boobiephobic") of the Carls. In a cutting retaliatory move, he mocked her clearly dubious fashion sense and inability to neatly shave her bikini zone until she shut up and went away.

Names Awarded the Carl Seal of Approval #2

Pehnsed the Loudmouth

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The More Things Change...

"The more they stay the same," or so the common sentiment goes. Public conversations in online games certainly seem to hold it true. For evidence, see Exhibit A:

As the largely indecipherable blob of what passes for English above displays, online chat is, has always been, and will apparently always be at least 1/2 typos, 3/4 curses, and 1/1 gibberish. In order to make this post more palatable to those with sensitive vocabularies, please note that I've included Fancypants Carl showing off his moves in the background. There appears to be some sort of lava demon checking out his mad skillz. The full range of Fancypants' gyrations will be documented more completely in a later post. The dance is simply too Carl to be described in this post.

Separated at Birth #1

Virtuous Carl and Commander William T. Riker

Getting Jiggy, Carl-style

Three transformed Carls and an elf mini pet get jiggy Carl-style.

According to the urban dictionary, "jiggy" as a term is "played out". The Carl agrees that all of these hip definitions are passé, but that doesn't mean that there are no Carl-appropriate usages for this term.

While the Carl concerns itself not with being "cool" or even "sane", it does strive to revive the customs and habits of days gone by which deserve reviving. One such custom would be doing the hornpipe. In fact, the hornpipe is the official dance of the Carl.

Unfortunately, none of the Carls actually know how to do the hornpipe so it is an official dance that is never officially performed though some day we hope to learn it and demonstrate our prowess for all the world to admire. Of course, most Carls have two left feet so there may be some tripping, collisions, and trampled toes, but that's all part of displaying your inner Carl.

The second best thing to doing the hornpipe is doing a jig. The only thing better than doing a jig is doing it as an elf. And the only thing better than doing a jig as an elf is doing it with other elves who have a pet elf. We present a photographic record of this momentous occasion for your personal enrichment. You're most welcome!

Dark Day for Dwayna

As Carl has already pointed out previously, Wintersday has come and gone once again, and the denizens of celebrated by opting to keep the winter going for a long time to come.

As the screenshot above displays, Grenth was re-elected this year by a landslide vote, making a complete mockery of Dwayna's entire campaign. This result obviously demonstrates what most have long already taken as a proven fact: clean campaigns simply don't work. Grenth attributes his victory to the advice of his manager, Castellan Puuba.

"Dwayna's followers spend year after year preaching the idea that virtue is its own reward--that good will always prevail over evil," says Puuba. "Our party takes a different approach, one that has proven so effective that we've won the last two years running. The Grenth re-election campaign runs on the simple platform: 'We are against those things that everybody hates.'"

This anti-hatedthings approach seems to elude the Dwaynian movement, much to their detriment. When asked for comment, Dwayna's campaign manager, Prince Rurik, responded with his own question in turn: "Why do people keep trusting me to know what's best? All I do is lead them into traps!" While this particular Carl cannot provide an answer to his query, one thing is obvious: the population of has spoken, and demands a cold future. ... and more corn.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Where's Carl?

This is the Carl you have to find. Find hiiiiiiiiim!

There's only one thing more fun than playing "Where's Waldo" and that's playing "Where's Carl?" Well, actually , that's a lie. There are a lot of things more fun than playing "Where's Waldo?"

Take a gander at the picture posted atop this particular line of text and try to locate the Carl hidden within. You'll need a sharp eye. Take a deep breath, focus on your inner Carl, aaaaaand GO!


Okay, if your sense of Carl is too anemic to locate him, look at yon picture and get a hint about his general location.


While his cohorts are knocked flat on their asses, the Carl stands strong and offers you a general hint of his locale.


If you still can't find him, you seriously need to work on developing your Carl. The answer appears below.


"Where's Carl" is not affiliated with the makers of "Where's Waldo (or Wally)" in any way. In fact, the makers of "Where's Carl" would prefer not to be on the same plane of reality as the fellows who invented "Where's Waldo" but it's not like we have a choice.

Embracing Your Inner Carl in the New Year

Tankarific Carl (on the right) enjoys the shiny, pretty winter's day celebration fireworks during the gift shower in Lion's Arch.

Boring and mundane New Year's resolutions are anathema to the Carl. The Carl aspires to loftier goals and seeks to nurture its nature. If you'd like to develop your inner Carl in the upcoming year, consider adopting some of the following resolutions:
  1. I will prattle to amuse myself and others when the opportunity presents itself. If the opportunity fails to present itself, I will do it anyway.
  2. I will attempt to talk about monkeys or wombats on a regular basis and strive to incorporate some of their inherent uberness into my daily life...except for the part where feces are thrown.
  3. I will demand that stores sell me corn. Even if they freely sell corn, I will still demand it. Asking for corn is actually more important than possessing it as wanting corn is a more important component of the Carl than having it.
  4. I will not care about "winning" and understand that the path to a goal is more important than achieving it, particularly if that path is traveled with friends and a heavy dose of absurdity and nonsense.
  5. I will take pleasure in the little things in life, especially if they are shiny and distract my attention easily from...ooooh, look at the pretty blue light on the front of my hard drive!
  6. I will strive to confuse others except I won't actually make an effort to do so. Confusion is an integral part of the Carl. Effort is to be avoided.
Have a Carlish New Year!