Monday, June 16, 2008

Profiles - Healing Carl

Name: Healing Carl
Height: Tiny. Very tiny.
Armor: Varies, but usually she wears the nice set the Dwarves made for her, dyed a nice pink.
Hairstyle: coiled buns.
Dependents: Many mini pets, the rest of the Carls.

Turn-ons: Cathedral of Flame runs. Where she doesn't have to do anything. Getting lost. Masters on missions.

Turn-offs: excessive chatting during missions and quests. Someone in the party dieing. Warriors who run too fast.

Usually seen in the company of: filthy Minkeys.

Notable quotes:
"Shawn, where are you going?"
"I need running shoes."
"I'm lost."
"I'm confused."

She who helms this avatar: Sharon

New Signal Signifies Need for The Carl

Where is the Carl?

In a clear indication of just how greatly the denizens of need the Carl, a new Carl signal in a shape reminiscent of design of the Carl Guild's cape was installed this past week. When a desperate need for the Carl arises, the signal is lit and a giant Carl signal is projected into the sky. Construction of a "Carlmobile" which can travel at top speeds and shoot lethal corn kernels or expel noxious fumes (only functional when an elf is on-board) is also planned once a body in the shape of a large piece of candy corn can be acquired.

It is expected that the signal will be used in the following circumstances in which the Carl's presence would be invaluable:
  • Endangered corn.
  • Excess efficiency or seriousness while questing needs defusing.
  • An urgent need for yak or dolyak porn.
  • Nipple-dying is desired.
  • Wombats need stuffing.
  • Filthy minkeys need putting in their place.
  • Pants need fancying.
  • Mini pets need walking.
  • Toes need twinkling.
  • Fireworks displays are required.
  • Incoherence is wished for.
  • Excess sanity needs diffusing.
  • Free booze needs removal.
  • Pelvis-thrusting dance-work (whether desired or not).
During the first use of the signal, the Carl mobilized within seconds and struck out from Carlhalla to respond to the emergency. Several hours later, the signalers were still standing on the signal platform waiting for their saviors. CARL" doesn't stand for "Confused And Ridiculously Lost" for nothing.

Names Awarded the Carl Seal of Approval #9

Mok Waagwaag

Death By Christmas Tree Branch

Who knew that vigorously thrusting a branch with lights glued on the end could be so deadly.

Some of the Carl clan gets out less often than others. Tankarific is the social gadfly who goes everywhere and does everything. He is the favored child of his mistress. From his stern little face with knitted brows to his metal loincloth to his boozy breath, he's his mommy's favorite little avatar. That doesn't mean that there aren't other children in this happy family. Above you see Tankarific's little brother, Smiting Carl. You can see the family resemblance in the muscular tanned physiques and blond top-knot styles they share.

Smiting takes his brother's ugly dog out for walkies.

While Tankarific is the conventional sort who smashes with axe and gets smashed (in more ways than one), Smiting has the self-esteem to forge his own path. Unlike the more perverse characters who display their individuality by dying their nipples purple, Smiting shows his stuff by choosing one of the least popular skill sets. While other pathetic, neurotic, needy monks chase after fighting types and magic types and heal them in hopes of winning their approval, Smiting responds to requests for healing with a hearty, "screw you guys." Smiting takes care of Smiting.

Don't let those sunny yellow overalls and hippie shoes mislead you, this Carl is one tough boy. He can mash your corn with a stern look and a shake of his branch. Better bring some self-heal if you plan on partying with this Carl. Oh, yeah.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Profiles - Tankarific Carl

The Carl presents you with a new feature. Well, it's a feature that may only have one installment if my slack-tacular fellow Carls don't follow my lead. The purpose of this is to help all our fanbois and fangrrls (it hurt me as much as it hurt you to write those words, possibly more) know the personalities, fetishes, and likely odors of the Carl characters.

We begin with the best of all Carl characters. Tankarific Carl.

Name: Tankarific Carl (duh!)
Height: on the shrimpy side, but what business is it of yours?
Armor: scrap metal, dyed orange
Hairstyle: blond sumo wrestler (chon-mage)
Dependents: one very ugly dog, a ping-pong ball popping turtle, a phoenix, and Shawn

Turn-ons: booze, corn, enemies with funny names, smashing things with an axe, free booze, getting lost, getting drunk, falling down, dancing, clapping his hands with excitement at the prospect of booze, making fun of filthy minkeys, cavorting about the guild hall, vanquishing

Turn-offs: 12-step programs, taking things seriously, farming for stuff, paying attention, sissies who fight with swords, following maps, dirt napping, stinky elves

Usually seen in the company of: Mesmerizing Carl, Jin, Olias, Tahlkora, Koss, Pyre, and hordes of fighting jerky

Notable quotes:
"Tankarific smash with axe?",
"I'm Tankarific."
"I'm lost."
"I'm confused."
"We're Carl."

She who helms this avatar: Shari

Friday, June 13, 2008

Suicidal Monk

Late last night an incident occurred involving MnKy Nadezhda Gavrila. The diminutive monk was trying to max her delver title on a paid Cathedral of Flames run.

Appalled by the intransigence of pugs, she had a psychotic episode and committed suicide. Sources say that the pugs would not stay behind the smiter, Nadezhda, and she became irate. Near the end of the run she was unable to cope anymore and flung herself bodily into a lake of lava.

Funeral services for the deceased monk have not yet been set. Those wishing to pay their respects should contact a MnKy for further information.