Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Mesmerizing Gets Engaged
Love seems to be in the air as of late for the Carls. After I posted my recent breaking of a heart, Mesmerizing announced that she has decided to tether herself permanently to her new beau, a grinning jack ass who is the only creature almost as cold and icy as Mesmerizing herself.
I've never cared for her hulking friend, and I care even less for a permanent attachment between he and Mesmerizing. When she announced their upcoming nuptials, there was much nattering on about finding a nice igloo in the north and settling down to raise a bunch of tiny ice children. I'm pretty sure that the only reason these two ended up together is that he's the only one that will tolerate her Hummel figurines and she's the only one who finds painfully cold creatures attractive. I don't even want to know about their sex life, or how they're planning on arranging conception.
The big problem isn't their disturbing lifestyle, but rather the fact that I can't allow that big collection of icicles to take Mesmerizing out of the game. She not only has all our useful collectible items in storage (and we can't let her walk away with the bulk of our collective wealth), but she's the only one who knows her way around. Without her, we'd be running in even more circles than usual.
That last straw was when she declared that she would be redecorating Carlhalla so that her future husband would be comfortable in it. While she plans on living "la vida domestica" (I practially threw up when she said that) at their temple of ice cubes, she does expect to pop by the Guild Hall on occasion to show us boring pictures of their honeymoon and any little icelings they spawn.
After hearing that she was going to lower the temperature by about 70 degrees in the hall (which will destroy our custom-made toilet by changing it from a pit of lava to a pit of volcanic rock) and change the decor to "early Eskimo", I decided to take action to stop this relationship in its tracks. I sent Mesmerizing out for champagne to celebrate and while I had the ice man alone for a second, I suggested we have a bachelor party the likes of which Mesmerizing would never approve of. I told him that we'd make sure she got good and ripped on high-priced booze, then sneak away for some ale and whore action.
I must say that I felt a lot less guilty about what I was planning when he looked at me with that idiotic grin and nodded his snowball head "yes". After all, if he's cheating on Mesmerizing with paid trollops, how devoted can he be?
I gathered up a few of "the guys" who could be trusted to keep their mouths shut if I paid them to do so (Olias, Pyre, Zhed) and we headed out of town for our "bachelor party". While Frosty the Snow Fiancé turned around and said, "where's the party," we let him have it right in the popsicle.
I'm sure Mesmerizing will forget him soon enough. After all, she's more interested in her mini pets and knick-knacks than romance. I'll buy her a mini Freezie and she'll find him more than a sufficient substitute for her former fiancé.
As for the disposal of the remains of said former fiancé, let's just say that none of the drinks at Carlhalla will be going warm for a long, long time.