Musings on the Carl

Rejoice, my ravenous fans, for I am return-ed to these hallowed pages and I bring with me enlightenment for those legions of Carl supporters who have clamored for a deeper explanation of all things Carl. I should mention at this point that this post will not contain your usual allotment of screenshots of the Carls caught in action; instead, I plan to cover this screen with nothing more than words, most of which will be of the five-dollar variety, as I don't usually bother to carry larger denominations. Indeed, I am here today to shower you all with my own brand of understanding (as well as a substantial dose of verbiage), a process that may also answer the number one question most frequently asked of the Carls when they are discovered: How do I know if I am a Carl? (I say 'may', of course, because I haven't thought that far ahead and could care less anyway).

The roots of the Carl have been well-documented already in Shari's earlier post, and I dare not attempt to improve upon it. Any who find her explanation to be lacking in appropriate details will find my own attempts far far worse, and probably less coherent. That said, it should be understood that the Carl is far greater than this single instance; while AngelKitty's momentous (and, for Battle.net, surprisingly well-formatted) chatter spawned the current incarnation of the Carl that we all know and love, this did not, in fact, create the Carl. The Carl was there, waiting for us to discover it, and it transcends any one person, game, world, or run-on sentence. The first step one must make in their Carl understanding is simply to accept that this understanding will not--nay, cannot!--come. Only by no longer attempting to understand it can the Carl's nature even begin to be grasped.

I have never been documented claiming to understand the Carl; indeed, I have rarely been documented expressing any coherent thought at all. However, I find myself in a unique position in that that very lack of understanding is what makes this explanation possible. Perhaps this is simply because few things about the Carl make any form of logical sense, as is shown in how it manifests itself in its practitioners. In my case, the Carl obviously exhibits a disdain for all things straightforward and serious, much to Sharon's chagrin when facing the tide of red dots that I am driven to rile up. Sharon, on the other hand, displays the very opposite Carlish effect: her attention to detail balances my complete lack of attention at all. This is not to say that her Carl is weaker than my Carl (her lavishing of attention upon filthy simians aside), as it simply makes itself known in different ways. Perhaps this delicate balance should shed some light on the Carl's inner workings. Between Sharon's fastidiousness and my own lack of any -idiousness whatsoever, we guarantee that neither portion of the Carl's will is ever truly more powerful than the other. Just as I fulfill the Carl's demands by wandering off aimlessly, so too does she eventually ensure that we get where we're going, and both parties have a richer experience as a result.

My more attentive readers have no doubt noticed that I have omitted the third party that makes up the trio of Carl representatives dispatched to Arena.net thus far in my explanation. Rest assured that this is not implying that she is a lesser carrier of the Carl than either Sharon or myself; on the contrary, Shari is a peculiar example of what I have tentatively termed a "Self-Balancing Carl"(TM). This rare instance of inherent Carl balance allows Shari to display the Carlish attributes of both her comrades while still avoiding the greater extremes to which the other Carls have been known to visit. As may be surmised, this allows her to get along passably well with both Sharon's driven nature as well as my own driven insanity. With her influence, Sharon and I manage to avoid a veritable clash of the Carl extremes every time we are in the same district. How does she do this? I certainly am not the right one to ask; perhaps it's due to the stabilizing influence of her rarely-mentioned fellow Carl who has thus far not been allowed onto Anet's demesne, or perhaps she's simply had years of extended Carl development that I lack the attention span for. Whatever the cause, she stands as the epitome of a Carl that has adapted to operate within the realms of sanity and normal society.

I realize that this treatise may come across as favoring one aspect of the Carl over another, but please, dear reader, believe me when I say that the Carl does not play favorites. Except with Blorf, whose name is so insanely awesome that he is now and will forever be the Carl's favorite weird gremlin thing. And yes, I know the question remains unanswered, but if you've made it this far in the article and still even care about the answer, your Carl needs a serious tune-up. A hearty regimen of reading the Carl archives is strongly recommended.

Happy Birthday, Shawn!

Scientists often speculate on the origin of mankind. They think we may have been born in some sort of primordial ooze and made our way from dividing cells to single-celled organisms to water-based spawn to land-based creatures. Or something like that. I wasn't actually paying that much attention in biology that day.

Unlike the origins of man, which are pretty much a series of scientific guesses, we know the origin of the Carl. The Carl was born from the energy of a variety of like-minded folks, but the grandpappy of the Carl is Shawn. Without him, there absolutely could be no Carl.

So, it is of the utmost importance that we celebrate the birth of this V.I.C. (Very Important Carl) as he embodies all that is good and right about Carlish ways. His lack of sanity, love of corn, random nature, and dubious hygiene are all stellar examples of what makes the Carl grand and both envied and admired by all and sundry.

Twenty-six years ago today, a Carl progenitor was born, and I hope he has a wonderful birthday worthy of his incredible spirit. That spirit is both a fabulous Carl, and a much loved and valued friend. May all who have had the fortune to encounter him for even the most fleeting of moments raise a glass in his honor and wish him well.

May your refrigerator be full of corn, your stomach full of cookies, and your mind sanity free, oh great wombat stuffer. I also hope you get some good loot. ;-)

Dark Day for Dwayna

As Carl has already pointed out previously, Wintersday has come and gone once again, and the denizens of Arena.net celebrated by opting to keep the winter going for a long time to come.

As the screenshot above displays, Grenth was re-elected this year by a landslide vote, making a complete mockery of Dwayna's entire campaign. This result obviously demonstrates what most have long already taken as a proven fact: clean campaigns simply don't work. Grenth attributes his victory to the advice of his manager, Castellan Puuba.

"Dwayna's followers spend year after year preaching the idea that virtue is its own reward--that good will always prevail over evil," says Puuba. "Our party takes a different approach, one that has proven so effective that we've won the last two years running. The Grenth re-election campaign runs on the simple platform: 'We are against those things that everybody hates.'"

This anti-hatedthings approach seems to elude the Dwaynian movement, much to their detriment. When asked for comment, Dwayna's campaign manager, Prince Rurik, responded with his own question in turn: "Why do people keep trusting me to know what's best? All I do is lead them into traps!" While this particular Carl cannot provide an answer to his query, one thing is obvious: the population of Arena.net has spoken, and demands a cold future. ... and more corn.