Deranged Elf Sighted

The deranged elf who has been vandalizing the CARL guild hall was allegedly sighted today in the MnkY guild hall.

He was seen talking to Sinful Smurfette about armor and fetishes. Smurfette says that she was discussing armor with him. She quoted him as saying “Hi, I’m Steve and I’m addicted to armor.” He then went on to say that he had been armor free for a month now. Smurfette was unsure of how to take this but she congratulated him. He then added that it was difficult for obese elfs to buy armor.

Smurfette was naturally horrified by the thought of being unable to buy armor and commiserated with him. Farming expeditions to Joko’s Domain were discussed. Again you are asked to please report any elf sightings as he may be unbalanced and highly dangerous.

Guild Hall Marked By Vandalism, Foul Odors

A drunken and dumb Tankarific stands before the snowman configuration left by an unknown vandal.

The Carl Guild Hall was viciously vandalized yesterday by an unknown perpetrator. A circle of snowmen was left in proximity of the Guild Lord near the center of the hall. The snowmen's configuration has left some calling them "Snowhenge", though it's really a pretty stupid name. Attempts to dispose of the snowmen were thwarted by a lack of really warm mittens. Local tough guy and celebrated drunkard Tankarific Carl said, "They's too cold to move now...let's wait until they're a little warmer." Attempts to explain that they would naturally melt with time left the drunken warrior confused and disoriented so he wandered off to a corner and passed out.

The Guild Lord and other merchants who perpetually inhabit the hall were questioned about what they saw during the absence of the CARL guild members. All questions were met with unrelenting sales pitches for various wares. It is unknown if the lack of cooperation is due to a stupor induced through malodorous magical vapors or if it is simply crass commercialism inhibiting the various merchants' impulses to exercise civic responsibility.

Witnesses who arrived at the scene after the prankster had left his mark said that, other than the snowmen, the only thing unusual was an intensely foul smell that seemed to cling to the snowmen and hang heavily in the air throughout the hall. The smell was reminiscent of a fetid elf known for aggressive acts with snowmen. This maladjusted elf previously attacked hydra in the Ascalon area and tormented visitors and residents of Augury Rock. Unfortunately, since there were no cooperative or cognizant eyewitnesses to the incident, it cannot be determined conclusively that the crazed elf was responsible.

When asked how this disturbing incident made her feel, hysterical guild founder Healing Carl said, "I feel violated...and a little nauseous from the powerful stench. I think I'm going to have to toss my cookies. Excuse me." As both Tankarific and Healing were indisposed, this news authority queried Fancypants Carl how he felt about this violation to which he responded, "I enjoy a good, hard violation," with a sly grin. This news authority then backed away slowly from Mr. 'pants.

The Carls claim that they always leave the Guild Hall locked up while they are away adventuring and there was no sign of forced entry. Healing Carl insists that the key is kept safely in her bra at all times. She said that it is an especially secure place for the key since neither of the other Carls is willing to go in there after it. Given that one is female and prefers to keep her hands off of other women's breasts and the other is mammophobic, it is unlikely that the key was clandestinely removed and stealthily replaced by another Carl. Said Healing Carl, "That key never left the ample crevice between my heaving bosoms!"

There is suspicion among the Carls that this is either a copycat incident, or, there was inside assistance from someone who was sympathetic to the lunatic elf. The key is left in the hall's storage chamber for brief periods of time on rare occasions when Healing dons her extremely scanty alternate gear for special missions. During those times, it's not impossible for one of the other Carls to remove the key from storage and have it copied.

Mystery man (possibly pants-less) in Carl cape in suspicious proximity to an elf fitting the description of the criminal in previous incidents in the Ascalon territory. (file photo)

All of the Carls plead ignorance when asked about who might have helped the elf, but the file photo above (taken in Kourna) shows a man in a CARL cape standing in close proximity to an elf. While it cannot be concluded that the man is actually a CARL guild member, as he may be wearing a counterfeit cape, his words to a "Psycho" and coincidental appearance in Kourna at the same time and in the same place as an elf are highly suspicious. Unfortunately, since the man in the cape can only be seen from the back, it's impossible to identify him. He is wanted for questioning by authorities. Anyone who encounters a man with blond hair and a penchant for sequined ankle accessories sporting a CARL cape should contact a member of the police force immediately.

The CARL guild is offering a reward of as much corn as you can eat if your information leads to the apprehension of the vandal. Of course, the foul odor may linger for awhile in the hall so you might want to get that corn "to go".

Deranged Elf Strikes Again

A mentally imbalanced elf has once again attempted to inspire fear and mayhem. Previously, he hectored and killed native desert reptiles by pelting them with conjured snowmen. This time, his intended victims were the inhabitants and visiting tourists of the town of Augury Rock. While running constantly, the foul-smelling elf called forth a series of dark ghosts that gasped hauntingly and bared their hideous teeth and talons at all and sundry. He mumbled incessantly about wanting everyone's "corn with a 'k'" as he called forth ghosts from the sandy floor and sprinted in circles hyperactively. It is unknown whether he was drugged, intoxicated, or merely applying some sort of speed-enhancing spell to make him more difficult to catch.

Snowmen invoked by the wicked trickster in order to harm indigenous hydra. (file photo)

One witness was said to remark, "to be honest, the ghosts that that he called forth didn't last very long so it wasn't that big a deal. While it was a little creepy being surrounded by them for a few seconds, it was far worse being downwind from that disgusting little pixie." Another witness said, "I'd have happily given him a whole silo full of this "korn" if I knew what it was and had any to give, if it would have made him go away."


Authorities are asking everyone to be on the lookout for the nameless elf. He is reported to be about 4 and a half feet tall, weighs about 100 pounds and has a pronounced "ale belly". He has beady brown eyes, wears wire-rim glasses, and has a perpetually sour look on his face. He also may be wearing over-size novelty ears that are long and pointy or may be suffering from a disfiguring birth defect. His typical costume is a fur- and gold-trimmed green coat, red tights, and a large green and gold "dunce cap." He is also prone to dancing a jig with no warning whatsoever. He is considered to be irrational and very dangerous, particularly if you are a hydra or sensitive to the smell of unwashed, ripened elfin body odors.

If you see him, do not approach him on your own but hastily contact the proper authorities. If you must approach him, do so with a high pressure hose and a squirt gun full of liquid soap.

Elf Terrorizes Local Reptiles With Snowy Wrath

A frightened hydra is hit with a deluge of snowmen.

A warrior elf wielding a sword forged of pure ice terrorized local reptiles with a lethal rain of snowmen. The elf ran around in circles screaming something about "3-headed squirrels" at the frightened hydra as an army of snowmen seemed to just drop from the sky.

Snowmen fall continuously from the sky in a heavy, cold rain of pain.

As the confused and increasingly unnerved reptiles attempted to fight back with their natural fiery defense against the snowy attack, the deranged elf started to stab at them with his icy sword. Witnesses on the scene who wished to assist the terrified reptiles were apprehensive about intervening due to the violent behavior of the elf as well as the offensive odor emanating from the tiny, green-clad, pot-bellied menace. A lack of regular hygienic practices is often a sign of mental illness.

The deranged elf chases a hydra with his icy weapon.

Hydra are native inhabitants of the desert areas of the Ascalonian territories and do not hunt humans as part of their normal diet. However, they are large and dangerous creatures with small reptilian brains that easily misinterpret incursions into their territories as threats. While they will respond if provoked, they will not attack if efforts are taken to avoid trespassing on their territory. The elf's reckless and provocative behavior could not be justified or explained as anything but mental instability or unadulterated cruelty to animals.

Getting Jiggy, Carl-style

Three transformed Carls and an elf mini pet get jiggy Carl-style.

According to the urban dictionary, "jiggy" as a term is "played out". The Carl agrees that all of these hip definitions are passé, but that doesn't mean that there are no Carl-appropriate usages for this term.

While the Carl concerns itself not with being "cool" or even "sane", it does strive to revive the customs and habits of days gone by which deserve reviving. One such custom would be doing the hornpipe. In fact, the hornpipe is the official dance of the Carl.

Unfortunately, none of the Carls actually know how to do the hornpipe so it is an official dance that is never officially performed though some day we hope to learn it and demonstrate our prowess for all the world to admire. Of course, most Carls have two left feet so there may be some tripping, collisions, and trampled toes, but that's all part of displaying your inner Carl.

The second best thing to doing the hornpipe is doing a jig. The only thing better than doing a jig is doing it as an elf. And the only thing better than doing a jig as an elf is doing it with other elves who have a pet elf. We present a photographic record of this momentous occasion for your personal enrichment. You're most welcome!