Why Carl Approves Names

Those who are interested in knowing the way of the Carl may wonder why the Carl offers a list of approved names throughout its hallowed site. Though your incapacity to comprehend the Carl is tiresome and lowers our estimation of you severely, we will lower ourselves to explaining the reasons behind our teachings.

While the Carl disapproves of procreation on principle (hence the emphasis on yaks and dolyaks in its adult entertainment material - there's little danger of impregnation in such assignations), it does recognize that not all are as enlightened as the Carl when it comes to the production of offspring. If you must engage in the creation of lesser beings, the least you can do is dub them with a Carl-worthy sobriquet.

Since you are clearly a heathen in the ways of the Carl, we seek to educate you in names which are worthy of a nod of approval from the metaphorical head of the Carl. However, since you may not possess the Carlness to intuit the way of Carl naming, we will educate you more explicitly. There's no need to thank us for our divine intervention. Seeing the next generation of snot-nosed brats grow up with Carl-worthy names will be a sufficient expression of your gratitude.

Rule 1: Blorf must be part of every name.

While it is unlikely in the extreme that your children will be worthy of having Blorf as a first name, you must include that name somewhere in your progeny's name. You can give it a middle name or several middle names and place Blorf amongst those names. If you already have a child and have not named it with Blorf in any way, you may nickname or legally rename your child with Blorf. This will increase your Carl credibility greatly.

Rule 2: You should try to incorporate a descriptive name.

Good examples of this are "Hogun the Unpredictable" or "Pehnsed the Loudmouth." If you are a filthy monkey, you might name your child something like "Griddletoe the Feces Thrower" (full name "Griddletoe Blorf the Feces Thrower". If you are a practitioner of the rhythm method, you could name your child "Blunder (Blorf) the Accident" (Blunderblorf is a righteous name by itself, of course). Of course, if you are a practitioner of the rhythem method, then you should rename yourself "Ding (Blorf) the Imbecile".

Rule 3: You should try to use funny sounds in the name so that other people might amuse themselves by saying the name.

Words that end in "k", "i", "y", or "g" and start with "do" and "bl" have the greatest potential to amuse. A good example of this is "Mok Waagwaag". Words that bring to mind more entertaining words are also desirable. These include "scutum" and "spetum." While naming your child "Blikk Blorf Scutum" may get him kicked in the 'scutum', his sacrifice will be worth the hours of entertainment you'll receive from saying each and every part of his name.

Rule 4: Bodily fluids and processes, amusing objects or amusing word plays are desirable incorporation.

Bear in mind that "amusing word plays" do not include pathetic puns. "Molotov Rocktail" is good. "Sir Dancelot" and "Boner Pimpson" are bad. "Flek Grokspit" is good. "Pooby Brownfoot" is also good. The important thing is to carry the suggestion of the concept you want to get across, but to not be too obvious about it.

The Carl looks forward to hearing the names of your vile spawn or your efforts to rename yourself. You were unworthy of our assistance, but we offer it in our infinite benevolence. You're welcome!

Musings on the Carl

Rejoice, my ravenous fans, for I am return-ed to these hallowed pages and I bring with me enlightenment for those legions of Carl supporters who have clamored for a deeper explanation of all things Carl. I should mention at this point that this post will not contain your usual allotment of screenshots of the Carls caught in action; instead, I plan to cover this screen with nothing more than words, most of which will be of the five-dollar variety, as I don't usually bother to carry larger denominations. Indeed, I am here today to shower you all with my own brand of understanding (as well as a substantial dose of verbiage), a process that may also answer the number one question most frequently asked of the Carls when they are discovered: How do I know if I am a Carl? (I say 'may', of course, because I haven't thought that far ahead and could care less anyway).

The roots of the Carl have been well-documented already in Shari's earlier post, and I dare not attempt to improve upon it. Any who find her explanation to be lacking in appropriate details will find my own attempts far far worse, and probably less coherent. That said, it should be understood that the Carl is far greater than this single instance; while AngelKitty's momentous (and, for Battle.net, surprisingly well-formatted) chatter spawned the current incarnation of the Carl that we all know and love, this did not, in fact, create the Carl. The Carl was there, waiting for us to discover it, and it transcends any one person, game, world, or run-on sentence. The first step one must make in their Carl understanding is simply to accept that this understanding will not--nay, cannot!--come. Only by no longer attempting to understand it can the Carl's nature even begin to be grasped.

I have never been documented claiming to understand the Carl; indeed, I have rarely been documented expressing any coherent thought at all. However, I find myself in a unique position in that that very lack of understanding is what makes this explanation possible. Perhaps this is simply because few things about the Carl make any form of logical sense, as is shown in how it manifests itself in its practitioners. In my case, the Carl obviously exhibits a disdain for all things straightforward and serious, much to Sharon's chagrin when facing the tide of red dots that I am driven to rile up. Sharon, on the other hand, displays the very opposite Carlish effect: her attention to detail balances my complete lack of attention at all. This is not to say that her Carl is weaker than my Carl (her lavishing of attention upon filthy simians aside), as it simply makes itself known in different ways. Perhaps this delicate balance should shed some light on the Carl's inner workings. Between Sharon's fastidiousness and my own lack of any -idiousness whatsoever, we guarantee that neither portion of the Carl's will is ever truly more powerful than the other. Just as I fulfill the Carl's demands by wandering off aimlessly, so too does she eventually ensure that we get where we're going, and both parties have a richer experience as a result.

My more attentive readers have no doubt noticed that I have omitted the third party that makes up the trio of Carl representatives dispatched to Arena.net thus far in my explanation. Rest assured that this is not implying that she is a lesser carrier of the Carl than either Sharon or myself; on the contrary, Shari is a peculiar example of what I have tentatively termed a "Self-Balancing Carl"(TM). This rare instance of inherent Carl balance allows Shari to display the Carlish attributes of both her comrades while still avoiding the greater extremes to which the other Carls have been known to visit. As may be surmised, this allows her to get along passably well with both Sharon's driven nature as well as my own driven insanity. With her influence, Sharon and I manage to avoid a veritable clash of the Carl extremes every time we are in the same district. How does she do this? I certainly am not the right one to ask; perhaps it's due to the stabilizing influence of her rarely-mentioned fellow Carl who has thus far not been allowed onto Anet's demesne, or perhaps she's simply had years of extended Carl development that I lack the attention span for. Whatever the cause, she stands as the epitome of a Carl that has adapted to operate within the realms of sanity and normal society.

I realize that this treatise may come across as favoring one aspect of the Carl over another, but please, dear reader, believe me when I say that the Carl does not play favorites. Except with Blorf, whose name is so insanely awesome that he is now and will forever be the Carl's favorite weird gremlin thing. And yes, I know the question remains unanswered, but if you've made it this far in the article and still even care about the answer, your Carl needs a serious tune-up. A hearty regimen of reading the Carl archives is strongly recommended.

Carl Math

All work and little play makes Shari a dull Carl. I'm sure our legion of ardent admirers have noticed that I didn't manage to post last month and this is my first post this month. For about three months from late spring to early summer, this Carl has a pile of extra work. This results in several mathematical equations of relevance:

(A Carl) + (extra work) = (more money)

Unfortunately, it also brings this equation into play:

(A Carl) + (extra work) = (diminished Carl)

Now, here's a little test for you. If the following two equations are true (and they are, trust me, I know), is the following also true:

"Having more money diminishes the Carl."

If you believed the above statement was true, the you not only fail the Carl math exam, but you also fail basic logic. The Carl does like it when logic fails. In fact, the Carl would prefer that all logic be tossed out the nearest open window (or airlock, if you are an alien reader on its mothership or an astronaut on an orbiting space station reading this post). It's not the extra money that causes the Carlish energies to diminish, but rather the lack of time spent in Carlish pursuits.

I want to reassure our cornucopia of fans that the Carl blog is not wilting after an initial burst of activity. Unfortunately, the most prolific of Carls (that's me), is being forced to deal with the unpleasantness of reality rather than basking in the pleasantness of the reality of Carl. When my work is done, you will be well and truly returned to your regular programming of discussions about foul-smelling elves (and their equally stinky masters), corn, and drunkenness.

In the meantime, keep those cards and letters coming, but you filthy minkeys stop throwing feces at our door.

The Future Is Corn

Image clearly pilfered from Cracked. Just because they're a joke site doesn't mean they aren't right! After all, the Carls are full of wit, charm, and infectious humor, but we are also clearly correct about everything of which we speak.

Some of you have wondered about the Carlish preoccupation with corn. Since you've taken the time to worship at the altar of Carl by reading this site (don't try to deny it because that's got to be the only reason you are here - you love us and can't stay away!), I'll let you in on a hint or two as to why the Carl loves corn.

You may not realize this, but corn is everywhere you want to be, in every product you want to use and in everything you want to eat. There's a list here, but it only claims corn is in 25% of the products we buy so they're not exactly the most reliable source. Nonetheless, they give the ignorant rabble who live outside the blessed aura of Carl a clue or two about the breadth and power of corn in our lives.

A biodegradable corn kitchen organizer. It looks like plastic, but has all of the power of corn. If you're starving to death, you can eat your organizers to survive until the next corn harvest.

In fact, if I were an investing sort, I'd be sinking my money into corn right now as it is certain that the future is going to be flying corn cars and high speed corn computers with high fructose processors. Mark my words.

Better Know the Carls

The three Carls are an enigmatic lot. They stand as paragons of Carlness in a sea of those unenlightened in the way of the Carl. The Carl is sure you'd like to know us better, or at least imagines so. At the very least, it is indifferent to any indifference you may have toward us.

Given the confusion those who encounter us have about our identities, we felt it may be useful for you to firm up your knowledge of each of us by helping you relate both to each of our personalities, situations, and the place each of us holds in the Carl dynamic through pop culture.

The three Carls are Shari, Sharon, and Shawn. While the similarity of these names may lead you to believe that we are all related, one of us is bound to the others by sheer Carl power. The other two are bound by blood as well as Carl. In fact, if one of us were actually a sibling of one of the other Carls, there's a good chance that particular Carl would rarely see a day without bruises inflicted in frustration. By the time you get to the end of this likely verbose and incomprehensible post, you'll know which is which.

Which Carl (Shari, Sharon, or Shawn) corresponds to each of the stooges below:

1. (from left: Moe, Larry, Curly)

Which Carl corresponds to each of these stooges:

2. (from left: McCoy, Kirk, Spock)


3. (from left: bacon, lettuce and tomato)


4. (from left: Snap, Crackle and Pop)

Answers:

1. Sharon: Moe Shari: Larry Shawn: Curly

Sharon is the one who is always having to (verbally) deck Shawn for his insanity and goofy behavior. I'm between them and sometimes explain things and sometimes engages in lunacy of her own. Also, my hair is red like Larry's.

2. McCoy: Sharon Kirk: Shari Shawn: Spock (if he is deep in the plak-tow or when he's looped on flowers from "This Side of Paradise")

McCoy is often grumpy and insistent that people act rationally in a difficult situation. Kirk gets all the lines and I do about 80% of the talking when the Carls speak. I also am clearly the most charismatic of the Carls. Shawn being Spock only works if he is utterly out of his head for some reason. Mainly though, Shawn has pointed ears and green blood in real life.

3. Bacon: Sharon Lettuce: Shawn Tomato: Shari

Sharon is the one who "makes" the "meal" (actually plays the game). We're sort of along for the ride and, while we help, we're not exactly integral to the experience of succeeding in the game. Most people would be just as happy with the bacon all by itself, though the tomato and lettuce add something to the experience as well. I'm the tomato because sometimes I say things which burn (unintentionally, just like a tomatoes acidic nature). And it's red. And I have red hair. Shawn, of course, is a vegetable that has to be kept carefully in the crisper or he goes bad. It's one of the reasons why we can't allow him to hang out or be around others for too long a time. He'll spoil if we don't get him back in his cage, er, fridge.

4. Snap: Sharon Crackle: Shari Pop: Shawn

Sharon snaps at us. I crackle back. Shawn pops his sanity cork and tries to distract everyone.

I'm sure you feel enlightened and enriched by this experience. You don't have to thank us, but, we know you're going to insist on doing so. You're welcome.

Lessons in Carl #3

If you missed the previous Carl lessons, here are lesson 1 and lesson 2.

For today's lesson, you're going to consider the Carl through the eyes of popular culture. Choose the most Carlish answer from the questions below:

1. Carl is a movie producer. What movie is Carl most like to make?

1. My Dinner With Carl
2. Battlefield Carl
3. Citizen Carl
4. King Carl
5. Dr. Carllove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Filthy Monkeys
   

2. Carl is a rapper. Which sobriquette would it choose?

1. Carl Monkey Monk
2. Notoriously C.A.R.L.
3. L.L. Cool Carl
4. Wu Tang Carl
5. Vanilla Carl
   

3. If the Carl were to have its own T.V. show, what would it be?

1. C*A*R*L
2. C.S.I. Carl
3. CARL in Cincinnati
4. Carlrama
5. Carl's Anatomy
   

Answers:

What movie is Carl most like to make?

1. My Dinner With Carl (based on My Dinner With Andre) - This movie is about two bores who sit and talk about a lot of nothing over dinner. Spending time talking about nothing is very Carl, though being a bore doesn't really suit the Carl.
   
2. Battlefield Carl (based on Battlefield Earth) - L. Ron Hubbard was a serious loon and refused to take his medication. That gives him something in common with at least one of the Carl clan. He also started his own religion which is bizarre and selective. His philosophy is scary and incomprehensible. That gives him another thing in common with the Carl. Despite all those things, the Carl simply can't sanction anything associated with anyone who started a religion which uses Tom Cruise as a spokesman, no matter how scary and insane he was.
   
3. Citizen Carl (based on Citizen Kane) - The greatest appeal in aping this particular movie for the Carl lies in having a mysterious last word. Imagine what the Carl could do with the opening sequence alone if it were re-written to Carlish standards. An aged and decrepit Fancypants is lying in bed and whispers a breathy, "wombat" then drops a pair of sequined underpants. There's also great potential in a shrill, talentless love interest which Fancypants could also portray.
   
4. King Carl (based on King Kong) - The main benefit of this is that there are monkeys in the original. Of course, a re-make would have to feature a giant Carl worshiped by monkeys rather than a giant monkey worshiped by Carls. The Carl bows down before no monkey.
   
5. Dr. Carllove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Filthy Monkeys (based on Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the H-Bomb) - Peter Sellers was in the original and he had serious Carl. The fact that he's dead wouldn't necessarily stop the Carl from remaking this classic in its own image, but it might slow things down a bit. We'd have to resurrect his corpse using a necromancer and have him animate it.

The best answer is:
3. Citizen Carl
There's nothing more irresistible then Fancypants in a dual role.

Carl is a rapper. Which sobriquette would it choose?

1. Carl Monkey Monk (based on Snoop Doggy Dog) - Carl can mix with filthy monkeys and does enjoy playing with monkeys. The only drawback is that monkeys aren't wombats, though they do tend to throw feces around and eat bugs. That gives them something in common with Shawn so this name has that going for it.
   
2. Notoriously C.A.R.L. (based on Notorious B.I.G.) - This name has great potential because it suits the guild name pretty well. "Notoriously Confused and Ridiculously Lost" is very suitable. However, it's almost too smooth.
   
3. L.L. Cool Carl (based on L.L. Cool J) - Any name with "cool" kind of sucks. Seriously, if you have to say you're cool, you probably suck.
   
4. Wu Tang Carl (based on Wu Tang Clan) - The main benefit of this is that "Wu Tang" is fun to say. "Wooooo Tang". "Woooooooooo".
   
5. Vanilla Carl (Vanilla Ice) - All the Carls are white and awkward. None of them can sing particularly well either. That means they have more in common with Vanilla Ice than any of these other rappers.

The best answer is: 4. Wu Tang Carl
The Carl likes things that are fun to say. It's a big priority. It's the only reason we ever go to places like "Arkjok Ward". Arkjok. Arkjok.

If the Carl were to have its own T.V. show, what would it be?

1. C*A*R*L (based on M*A*S*H) - The Carl tends to associate with itself through battles in on-line games and M*A*S*H was about a war. However, the show was more about the sexually promiscuous and humorous doctors. While some Carls are promiscuous, they are really only interested in yaks (cough, Shawn, cough). And, while they are humorous, they aren't doctors of anything except Carlology. The practice of Carlish medicine concerns itself not with the body but the soul.
   
2. C.S.I. Carl (based on C.S.I. whatever) - All of these procedural deals are tedious and too realistic. The Carl doesn't see where it'd fit into anything remotely related to these shows.
   
3. CARL in Cincinnati (based on WKRP in Cincinnati) - A radio station that is full of wacky characters who embarrass themselves and get into bad situations has great potential for showcasing the Carl. There's even an aggressive maternal role for Sharon to play in the show just like she does in real life.
   
4. Carlrama (based on Futurama) - Animation does suit the Carl as its members are definitely animated. In fact, some of them carry a unique odor such that in person acting with that particular member (cough, Shawn, cough) would be eye wateringly difficult for the other Carls. The main problem is that the show would have to be set in the future and the Carl expects that it'll have a position as a world religion by then and no one would accept that its founders would do the lowly work of package delivery.
   
5. Carl's Anatomy (based on Grey's Anatomy) - This show is formulaic and predictable. It's full of pretty people and cliched situations and relationships. Frankly, it sucks and there's nothing Carl about it.

The best answer is: 3. Carl in Cincinnati
Though the Carl really doesn't know how it feels about Cincinnati, the ability to broadcast the message of Carl and be wacky is rather hard to resist.

Lessons in Carl #2

Welcome to the second lesson in understanding what it is to be a Carl. If you missed the first lesson, you can go back and gain "wisdom" from it here.

Note, however, that intense exposure to Carl for long periods of time may cause you to develop a rash in your sensitive body parts. The Carl will not be held responsible for any disfigurement or discomfort that results from prolonged exposure.

Choose the best answer to each of the following questions (or do whatever you feel like):

1. Which of the following statements are true:

1. The Carl is never wrong.
2. The Carl is often wrong, but does not care.
3. The Carl is often wrong, but is always right.
4. The Carl redefines truth as it sees fit.
   

2. When shopping, the Carl will do the following if receiving incorrect change in its favor:

1. Keep the change.
2. The Carl never counts change.
3. The Carl can't count change.
4. The Carl uses a debit card and doesn't get change. Don't be stupid.

3. If the Carl could manifest physically, what would it most resemble:

1. A platypus.
2. A duck-billed platypus.
3. A pink duck-billed platypus.
4. A platypus-billed duck.

4. What is a codpiece:

1. Carlish undies.
2. A bit of fish.
3. We're not sure but the important thing is that you shouldn't look under one.
4. Something which the Carl wears, but rarely washes.

5. What is a Carl's food of choice:

1. Corn.
2. Pizza.
3. Corn pizza.
4. Grubs.

6. Which of the following words is most Carl:

1. Corn.
2. Smock.
3. Quark.
4. Nahpui.
   

7. Based on the information you discovered about the Carl in lesson 1, what do you think is its disposition regarding scoring of this test:

1. The Carl cares not for scoring.
2. The Carl wants to confuse you by offering these tests and making you wonder whether it cares about your score or not.
3. The Carl has already grown bored and wandered off to look at shiny things.
4. If you were a Carl, you wouldn't care what the other Carls thought.

Answers:

1. "3" The Carl delights in confusion and "3" is the most confusing answer. Therefore, it is the most correct answer.
2. "2" The Carl, while fiscally prudent and interested in grubbing for every cent it can get its greedy little paws on, is incredibly lazy.
3. This was a trick question. None of these answers is correct. If the Carl could manifest physically, the world would likely come to an end as it could not bear the incredible sight that it was beholding. Major religions would lose their believers as they would choose to kneel in supplication to the Carl.
   
4. "4" Washing your codpiece is for losers.
5. "2" While the Carl covets corn and seeks to hoard it for purposes you are not yet ready to know, it doesn't actually eat it.
6. While all of these words are very "Carl", "2" is the most Carl for patently obvious reasons.
7. "2" This one was too easy. The Carl is generous toward you in lobbing softballs so that you can feel better about your progress toward understanding the tao of Carl. Don't expect it to always be so lenient.

Lessons in Carl #1

The Carl cannot be learned through a textbook or even a straight-ahead classroom experience. It must be experienced and understood through indirect teaching methods. You have to learn to see the world through Carlish eyes.

Since none of the Carls are willing to loan you their eyes, you'll have to re-train yours to view the world in proper Carl fashion. This applies to every experience in your life, but you have to start somwhere so let's start with superheroes.


It's not that we Carls have a fascination with superheroes per se. To be honest, we have a greater interest in the more exciting and colorful aspects of life such as funny names, wombats, and corn. However, you cannot begin your Carl lessons with something as incredible and sophisticated as the Carlish perception of corn. It's just more than you can handle at this stage of your development. So, you must start off with something very low on the importance scale.

For your first lesson, you will be asked to rate the C.Q. (Carl Quotient) of the superheroes pictured above. You should rate their Carlishness from 1 to 10 with 10 being the epitome of Carlish perfection and 1 being the mimimum universal allowance of Carl. Rate each hero below:

• Thor
• The Flash
• The Tick
• Superman

Show your work. You can write on your computer's display, or type up a comment telling us your thought processes. We won't read them, but we expect you to make the effort regardless. Do it now. Do iiiiiit!

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When you're finished deeply pondering the C.Q. of each of these heroes, keep in mind that you've already failed part of the Carl test because a Carl never thinks deeply about anything. After you get finished hanging your head in shame and realizing we're laughing at you (if you were already a Carl, we'd laugh with you), scroll down to see the answers and calculate your score.

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Thor: Thor gets points for carrying a hammer and having cool somewhat pirate-style slouchy-topped boots. He also has a nifty, woody-sounding name. He loses points for having long, blond hair like some stupid hunk of man-cake on the cover of a Harlequin bodice ripper. He also loses points for having what looks like a stove top appliqued on the front of his bodysuit (and for making me use the word "applique" in the previous sentence). He also eats apples to sustain his life force instead of corn and that lowers him on the Carl scale. Finally, his character is derived from Norse mythology and the Carl appreciates that sort of stuff. The Carl doesn't know why it likes it but it just does. Thor scores a 6 on the Carl scale.

The Flash: Violating the laws of physics scores big points on the Carl scale as we appreciate any unlawful behavior that doesn't actually get you arrested. After all, the Carl violates the laws of sanity. He loses points though because he's basically a guy who can run really fast. How boring is that? He also has tiny lightning bolts stapled to the side of his head and the Carl would prefer they were on his butt. On the bright side, his costume is cheesy and a little on the festive side. He's a hero and he's not afraid to show it by running around in a flaming red, skin-tight suit. The Flash rates 5 on the Carl scale.

The Tick: Okay, this one was a "gimme" so you could get a higher score. The Tick is clearly a 10 on the Carl scale. He rambles incoherently. He has antennae growing from his head. His rallying cry is, "spoooooon!" He's all blue. He's based on one of the most unappealing insects in the world and doesn't try to be cool or quippy. He is clueless and belongs in a loony bin. He's pure Carl distilled into superhero form. He couldn't be more Carl if he was doing the hornpipe and eating corn.


Superman: Superman is the most popular hero in America and is clean cut, well-mannered, hard-working, and devoted and that really hurts his C.Q. He's a 50's kind of guy who for some reason has a 60's kind of girlfriend. The fact that Superman is so clean cut that he's not cool gains him a point or two on the Carl scale, but choosing a girlfriend most people just hate and feel is a bad match for him cuts down a bit on his gains. No self-respecting Carl is going to condone Lois Lane. On the other hand, he wears his Underoos on the outside and that gives him big points. However, we don't like his hair. Nuff said. C.Q. = 2.

Calculating your Carl score:

Subtract the difference between your answer and the official answers given above. Find the sum of those differences and compare your sum to the scale below:

0-8: Carl Nirvana is at hand.
9-17: You've got potential but need some attitude adjustments. You've still got too much sanity left to pass for Carl.
18-26: You're starting to get in the swing of things, but still have a long way to go.
27-36: You've barely gotten started and probably really don't know what the Carl is but are just lamely guessing because you want it so bad (we don't blame you for wanting it, everyone does) and it's going to be a harsh corn-less road ahead for you.

Finally, if you bothered to score yourself, you're very likely nowhere near being a Carl. Doing math is effort and the Carl is not a fan of effort.

Who Is Carl?

Many people upon encountering the Carl for the first time wonder who we are. Their curiosity is understandable given the attractiveness of the Carl and what I am sure is a strong approach-avoidance conflict regarding being a part of it. After experiencing the Carl for brief periods of time, people gain a modicum more of understanding of it as well as feel a little dyspeptic, dizzy and disoriented.

Despite having the great honor of associating with the Carl in a more intimate setting, most folks still do not know who (or what) we are. First of all, it should be made clear that, despite the fact that we all are Carl and all our names include the name Carl, we are not one person. In fact, I'm pretty sure we're not even all of the same species though I'm nearly certain we encompass all the three available genders (but frankly, I'm afraid to "check" and verify this fact).

Though the Carls tend to congregate in on-line games, they are not only represented by the three folks taking part in this web site nor are their dealings confined to playing any particular game (though at the moment, Guild Wars is our playground of choice). Some Carls are out there operating outside of the core group, but they are still a part of us as they, too, tap into the essential spirit of Carl as they go about the business of amusing themselves and others.

So, in answer to the question, "who is Carl," I can only say there is no one Carl, but many of us, and we all have the same goal in mind. That is, to have no goals and to never answer the question about who or what the Carl is in a satisfactory fashion and to leave all and sundry befuddled in their wake.

Getting Jiggy, Carl-style

Three transformed Carls and an elf mini pet get jiggy Carl-style.

According to the urban dictionary, "jiggy" as a term is "played out". The Carl agrees that all of these hip definitions are passé, but that doesn't mean that there are no Carl-appropriate usages for this term.

While the Carl concerns itself not with being "cool" or even "sane", it does strive to revive the customs and habits of days gone by which deserve reviving. One such custom would be doing the hornpipe. In fact, the hornpipe is the official dance of the Carl.

Unfortunately, none of the Carls actually know how to do the hornpipe so it is an official dance that is never officially performed though some day we hope to learn it and demonstrate our prowess for all the world to admire. Of course, most Carls have two left feet so there may be some tripping, collisions, and trampled toes, but that's all part of displaying your inner Carl.

The second best thing to doing the hornpipe is doing a jig. The only thing better than doing a jig is doing it as an elf. And the only thing better than doing a jig as an elf is doing it with other elves who have a pet elf. We present a photographic record of this momentous occasion for your personal enrichment. You're most welcome!

Embracing Your Inner Carl in the New Year

Tankarific Carl (on the right) enjoys the shiny, pretty winter's day celebration fireworks during the gift shower in Lion's Arch.

Boring and mundane New Year's resolutions are anathema to the Carl. The Carl aspires to loftier goals and seeks to nurture its nature. If you'd like to develop your inner Carl in the upcoming year, consider adopting some of the following resolutions:

1. I will prattle to amuse myself and others when the opportunity presents itself. If the opportunity fails to present itself, I will do it anyway.
2. I will attempt to talk about monkeys or wombats on a regular basis and strive to incorporate some of their inherent uberness into my daily life...except for the part where feces are thrown.
3. I will demand that stores sell me corn. Even if they freely sell corn, I will still demand it. Asking for corn is actually more important than possessing it as wanting corn is a more important component of the Carl than having it.
   
4. I will not care about "winning" and understand that the path to a goal is more important than achieving it, particularly if that path is traveled with friends and a heavy dose of absurdity and nonsense.
5. I will take pleasure in the little things in life, especially if they are shiny and distract my attention easily from...ooooh, look at the pretty blue light on the front of my hard drive!
6. I will strive to confuse others except I won't actually make an effort to do so. Confusion is an integral part of the Carl. Effort is to be avoided.

Have a Carlish New Year!

The Dawn of Carl

Many great philosophies and the ways of life which resulted from them were born from wisdom and wizened discourse between great people. The Carl was born from confusion and thus that state of mind is one of the defining characteristics of obtaining a state of true Carl. Travel with me now to the days of yesteryear and witness, if not the birth of the state of Carl, at least the moment that it acquired its name.

Shawn, Sharon, my husband and I were playing Diablo II on Battle.net when I started to receive messages from someone I did not know. Each of these messages (from someone with the name "Angel Kitty" or some such) were directed at "Carl". The messages kept popping up on my screen insistently:

AngelKitty: Meet me in a new game, Carl.
AngelKitty: Are you coming, Carl?
AngelKitty: Do you want to trade, Carl?

I knew that I was not "Carl" yet I continued to receive messages as if I were. After awhile, it became clear that we were all Carl and angelic messages were being sent to us so that we might begin to realize our true state of being through having it named. So it began, and so it has been.

The Path to Carl

Throughout the ages, man has tried to understand the Carl...or at least classify it in the DSM so it can be treated with psychotropic medications. Understanding the Carl is not an easy thing. On your path to Carlish enlightenment, you may feel a little discomfort, perhaps get a little dizzy, and feel an odd craving for corn. However, understanding the Carl is worth the long and difficult path because great power lies at the end of your journey.

Come with us, if you dare, and travel the path to Carl. With any luck, you'll start to find your inner Carl along the way.