Lessons in Carl #3

If you missed the previous Carl lessons, here are lesson 1 and lesson 2.

For today's lesson, you're going to consider the Carl through the eyes of popular culture. Choose the most Carlish answer from the questions below:

1. Carl is a movie producer. What movie is Carl most like to make?

1. My Dinner With Carl
2. Battlefield Carl
3. Citizen Carl
4. King Carl
5. Dr. Carllove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Filthy Monkeys
   

2. Carl is a rapper. Which sobriquette would it choose?

1. Carl Monkey Monk
2. Notoriously C.A.R.L.
3. L.L. Cool Carl
4. Wu Tang Carl
5. Vanilla Carl
   

3. If the Carl were to have its own T.V. show, what would it be?

1. C*A*R*L
2. C.S.I. Carl
3. CARL in Cincinnati
4. Carlrama
5. Carl's Anatomy
   

Answers:

What movie is Carl most like to make?

1. My Dinner With Carl (based on My Dinner With Andre) - This movie is about two bores who sit and talk about a lot of nothing over dinner. Spending time talking about nothing is very Carl, though being a bore doesn't really suit the Carl.
   
2. Battlefield Carl (based on Battlefield Earth) - L. Ron Hubbard was a serious loon and refused to take his medication. That gives him something in common with at least one of the Carl clan. He also started his own religion which is bizarre and selective. His philosophy is scary and incomprehensible. That gives him another thing in common with the Carl. Despite all those things, the Carl simply can't sanction anything associated with anyone who started a religion which uses Tom Cruise as a spokesman, no matter how scary and insane he was.
   
3. Citizen Carl (based on Citizen Kane) - The greatest appeal in aping this particular movie for the Carl lies in having a mysterious last word. Imagine what the Carl could do with the opening sequence alone if it were re-written to Carlish standards. An aged and decrepit Fancypants is lying in bed and whispers a breathy, "wombat" then drops a pair of sequined underpants. There's also great potential in a shrill, talentless love interest which Fancypants could also portray.
   
4. King Carl (based on King Kong) - The main benefit of this is that there are monkeys in the original. Of course, a re-make would have to feature a giant Carl worshiped by monkeys rather than a giant monkey worshiped by Carls. The Carl bows down before no monkey.
   
5. Dr. Carllove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Filthy Monkeys (based on Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the H-Bomb) - Peter Sellers was in the original and he had serious Carl. The fact that he's dead wouldn't necessarily stop the Carl from remaking this classic in its own image, but it might slow things down a bit. We'd have to resurrect his corpse using a necromancer and have him animate it.

The best answer is:
3. Citizen Carl
There's nothing more irresistible then Fancypants in a dual role.

Carl is a rapper. Which sobriquette would it choose?

1. Carl Monkey Monk (based on Snoop Doggy Dog) - Carl can mix with filthy monkeys and does enjoy playing with monkeys. The only drawback is that monkeys aren't wombats, though they do tend to throw feces around and eat bugs. That gives them something in common with Shawn so this name has that going for it.
   
2. Notoriously C.A.R.L. (based on Notorious B.I.G.) - This name has great potential because it suits the guild name pretty well. "Notoriously Confused and Ridiculously Lost" is very suitable. However, it's almost too smooth.
   
3. L.L. Cool Carl (based on L.L. Cool J) - Any name with "cool" kind of sucks. Seriously, if you have to say you're cool, you probably suck.
   
4. Wu Tang Carl (based on Wu Tang Clan) - The main benefit of this is that "Wu Tang" is fun to say. "Wooooo Tang". "Woooooooooo".
   
5. Vanilla Carl (Vanilla Ice) - All the Carls are white and awkward. None of them can sing particularly well either. That means they have more in common with Vanilla Ice than any of these other rappers.

The best answer is: 4. Wu Tang Carl
The Carl likes things that are fun to say. It's a big priority. It's the only reason we ever go to places like "Arkjok Ward". Arkjok. Arkjok.

If the Carl were to have its own T.V. show, what would it be?

1. C*A*R*L (based on M*A*S*H) - The Carl tends to associate with itself through battles in on-line games and M*A*S*H was about a war. However, the show was more about the sexually promiscuous and humorous doctors. While some Carls are promiscuous, they are really only interested in yaks (cough, Shawn, cough). And, while they are humorous, they aren't doctors of anything except Carlology. The practice of Carlish medicine concerns itself not with the body but the soul.
   
2. C.S.I. Carl (based on C.S.I. whatever) - All of these procedural deals are tedious and too realistic. The Carl doesn't see where it'd fit into anything remotely related to these shows.
   
3. CARL in Cincinnati (based on WKRP in Cincinnati) - A radio station that is full of wacky characters who embarrass themselves and get into bad situations has great potential for showcasing the Carl. There's even an aggressive maternal role for Sharon to play in the show just like she does in real life.
   
4. Carlrama (based on Futurama) - Animation does suit the Carl as its members are definitely animated. In fact, some of them carry a unique odor such that in person acting with that particular member (cough, Shawn, cough) would be eye wateringly difficult for the other Carls. The main problem is that the show would have to be set in the future and the Carl expects that it'll have a position as a world religion by then and no one would accept that its founders would do the lowly work of package delivery.
   
5. Carl's Anatomy (based on Grey's Anatomy) - This show is formulaic and predictable. It's full of pretty people and cliched situations and relationships. Frankly, it sucks and there's nothing Carl about it.

The best answer is: 3. Carl in Cincinnati
Though the Carl really doesn't know how it feels about Cincinnati, the ability to broadcast the message of Carl and be wacky is rather hard to resist.

Lessons in Carl #2

Welcome to the second lesson in understanding what it is to be a Carl. If you missed the first lesson, you can go back and gain "wisdom" from it here.

Note, however, that intense exposure to Carl for long periods of time may cause you to develop a rash in your sensitive body parts. The Carl will not be held responsible for any disfigurement or discomfort that results from prolonged exposure.

Choose the best answer to each of the following questions (or do whatever you feel like):

1. Which of the following statements are true:

1. The Carl is never wrong.
2. The Carl is often wrong, but does not care.
3. The Carl is often wrong, but is always right.
4. The Carl redefines truth as it sees fit.
   

2. When shopping, the Carl will do the following if receiving incorrect change in its favor:

1. Keep the change.
2. The Carl never counts change.
3. The Carl can't count change.
4. The Carl uses a debit card and doesn't get change. Don't be stupid.

3. If the Carl could manifest physically, what would it most resemble:

1. A platypus.
2. A duck-billed platypus.
3. A pink duck-billed platypus.
4. A platypus-billed duck.

4. What is a codpiece:

1. Carlish undies.
2. A bit of fish.
3. We're not sure but the important thing is that you shouldn't look under one.
4. Something which the Carl wears, but rarely washes.

5. What is a Carl's food of choice:

1. Corn.
2. Pizza.
3. Corn pizza.
4. Grubs.

6. Which of the following words is most Carl:

1. Corn.
2. Smock.
3. Quark.
4. Nahpui.
   

7. Based on the information you discovered about the Carl in lesson 1, what do you think is its disposition regarding scoring of this test:

1. The Carl cares not for scoring.
2. The Carl wants to confuse you by offering these tests and making you wonder whether it cares about your score or not.
3. The Carl has already grown bored and wandered off to look at shiny things.
4. If you were a Carl, you wouldn't care what the other Carls thought.

Answers:

1. "3" The Carl delights in confusion and "3" is the most confusing answer. Therefore, it is the most correct answer.
2. "2" The Carl, while fiscally prudent and interested in grubbing for every cent it can get its greedy little paws on, is incredibly lazy.
3. This was a trick question. None of these answers is correct. If the Carl could manifest physically, the world would likely come to an end as it could not bear the incredible sight that it was beholding. Major religions would lose their believers as they would choose to kneel in supplication to the Carl.
   
4. "4" Washing your codpiece is for losers.
5. "2" While the Carl covets corn and seeks to hoard it for purposes you are not yet ready to know, it doesn't actually eat it.
6. While all of these words are very "Carl", "2" is the most Carl for patently obvious reasons.
7. "2" This one was too easy. The Carl is generous toward you in lobbing softballs so that you can feel better about your progress toward understanding the tao of Carl. Don't expect it to always be so lenient.

Lessons in Carl #1

The Carl cannot be learned through a textbook or even a straight-ahead classroom experience. It must be experienced and understood through indirect teaching methods. You have to learn to see the world through Carlish eyes.

Since none of the Carls are willing to loan you their eyes, you'll have to re-train yours to view the world in proper Carl fashion. This applies to every experience in your life, but you have to start somwhere so let's start with superheroes.


It's not that we Carls have a fascination with superheroes per se. To be honest, we have a greater interest in the more exciting and colorful aspects of life such as funny names, wombats, and corn. However, you cannot begin your Carl lessons with something as incredible and sophisticated as the Carlish perception of corn. It's just more than you can handle at this stage of your development. So, you must start off with something very low on the importance scale.

For your first lesson, you will be asked to rate the C.Q. (Carl Quotient) of the superheroes pictured above. You should rate their Carlishness from 1 to 10 with 10 being the epitome of Carlish perfection and 1 being the mimimum universal allowance of Carl. Rate each hero below:

• Thor
• The Flash
• The Tick
• Superman

Show your work. You can write on your computer's display, or type up a comment telling us your thought processes. We won't read them, but we expect you to make the effort regardless. Do it now. Do iiiiiit!

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When you're finished deeply pondering the C.Q. of each of these heroes, keep in mind that you've already failed part of the Carl test because a Carl never thinks deeply about anything. After you get finished hanging your head in shame and realizing we're laughing at you (if you were already a Carl, we'd laugh with you), scroll down to see the answers and calculate your score.

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Thor: Thor gets points for carrying a hammer and having cool somewhat pirate-style slouchy-topped boots. He also has a nifty, woody-sounding name. He loses points for having long, blond hair like some stupid hunk of man-cake on the cover of a Harlequin bodice ripper. He also loses points for having what looks like a stove top appliqued on the front of his bodysuit (and for making me use the word "applique" in the previous sentence). He also eats apples to sustain his life force instead of corn and that lowers him on the Carl scale. Finally, his character is derived from Norse mythology and the Carl appreciates that sort of stuff. The Carl doesn't know why it likes it but it just does. Thor scores a 6 on the Carl scale.

The Flash: Violating the laws of physics scores big points on the Carl scale as we appreciate any unlawful behavior that doesn't actually get you arrested. After all, the Carl violates the laws of sanity. He loses points though because he's basically a guy who can run really fast. How boring is that? He also has tiny lightning bolts stapled to the side of his head and the Carl would prefer they were on his butt. On the bright side, his costume is cheesy and a little on the festive side. He's a hero and he's not afraid to show it by running around in a flaming red, skin-tight suit. The Flash rates 5 on the Carl scale.

The Tick: Okay, this one was a "gimme" so you could get a higher score. The Tick is clearly a 10 on the Carl scale. He rambles incoherently. He has antennae growing from his head. His rallying cry is, "spoooooon!" He's all blue. He's based on one of the most unappealing insects in the world and doesn't try to be cool or quippy. He is clueless and belongs in a loony bin. He's pure Carl distilled into superhero form. He couldn't be more Carl if he was doing the hornpipe and eating corn.


Superman: Superman is the most popular hero in America and is clean cut, well-mannered, hard-working, and devoted and that really hurts his C.Q. He's a 50's kind of guy who for some reason has a 60's kind of girlfriend. The fact that Superman is so clean cut that he's not cool gains him a point or two on the Carl scale, but choosing a girlfriend most people just hate and feel is a bad match for him cuts down a bit on his gains. No self-respecting Carl is going to condone Lois Lane. On the other hand, he wears his Underoos on the outside and that gives him big points. However, we don't like his hair. Nuff said. C.Q. = 2.

Calculating your Carl score:

Subtract the difference between your answer and the official answers given above. Find the sum of those differences and compare your sum to the scale below:

0-8: Carl Nirvana is at hand.
9-17: You've got potential but need some attitude adjustments. You've still got too much sanity left to pass for Carl.
18-26: You're starting to get in the swing of things, but still have a long way to go.
27-36: You've barely gotten started and probably really don't know what the Carl is but are just lamely guessing because you want it so bad (we don't blame you for wanting it, everyone does) and it's going to be a harsh corn-less road ahead for you.

Finally, if you bothered to score yourself, you're very likely nowhere near being a Carl. Doing math is effort and the Carl is not a fan of effort.