Deranged Elf Strikes Again

A mentally imbalanced elf has once again attempted to inspire fear and mayhem. Previously, he hectored and killed native desert reptiles by pelting them with conjured snowmen. This time, his intended victims were the inhabitants and visiting tourists of the town of Augury Rock. While running constantly, the foul-smelling elf called forth a series of dark ghosts that gasped hauntingly and bared their hideous teeth and talons at all and sundry. He mumbled incessantly about wanting everyone's "corn with a 'k'" as he called forth ghosts from the sandy floor and sprinted in circles hyperactively. It is unknown whether he was drugged, intoxicated, or merely applying some sort of speed-enhancing spell to make him more difficult to catch.

Snowmen invoked by the wicked trickster in order to harm indigenous hydra. (file photo)

One witness was said to remark, "to be honest, the ghosts that that he called forth didn't last very long so it wasn't that big a deal. While it was a little creepy being surrounded by them for a few seconds, it was far worse being downwind from that disgusting little pixie." Another witness said, "I'd have happily given him a whole silo full of this "korn" if I knew what it was and had any to give, if it would have made him go away."


Authorities are asking everyone to be on the lookout for the nameless elf. He is reported to be about 4 and a half feet tall, weighs about 100 pounds and has a pronounced "ale belly". He has beady brown eyes, wears wire-rim glasses, and has a perpetually sour look on his face. He also may be wearing over-size novelty ears that are long and pointy or may be suffering from a disfiguring birth defect. His typical costume is a fur- and gold-trimmed green coat, red tights, and a large green and gold "dunce cap." He is also prone to dancing a jig with no warning whatsoever. He is considered to be irrational and very dangerous, particularly if you are a hydra or sensitive to the smell of unwashed, ripened elfin body odors.

If you see him, do not approach him on your own but hastily contact the proper authorities. If you must approach him, do so with a high pressure hose and a squirt gun full of liquid soap.