Since none of the Carls are willing to loan you their eyes, you'll have to re-train yours to view the world in proper Carl fashion. This applies to every experience in your life, but you have to start somwhere so let's start with superheroes.
It's not that we Carls have a fascination with superheroes per se. To be honest, we have a greater interest in the more exciting and colorful aspects of life such as funny names, wombats, and corn. However, you cannot begin your Carl lessons with something as incredible and sophisticated as the Carlish perception of corn. It's just more than you can handle at this stage of your development. So, you must start off with something very low on the importance scale.
For your first lesson, you will be asked to rate the C.Q. (Carl Quotient) of the superheroes pictured above. You should rate their Carlishness from 1 to 10 with 10 being the epitome of Carlish perfection and 1 being the mimimum universal allowance of Carl. Rate each hero below:
Show your work. You can write on your computer's display, or type up a comment telling us your thought processes. We won't read them, but we expect you to make the effort regardless. Do it now. Do iiiiiit!
.
.
.
When you're finished deeply pondering the C.Q. of each of these heroes, keep in mind that you've already failed part of the Carl test because a Carl never thinks deeply about anything. After you get finished hanging your head in shame and realizing we're laughing at you (if you were already a Carl, we'd laugh with you), scroll down to see the answers and calculate your score.
.
.
.
Thor: Thor gets points for carrying a hammer and having cool somewhat pirate-style slouchy-topped boots. He also has a nifty, woody-sounding name. He loses points for having long, blond hair like some stupid hunk of man-cake on the cover of a Harlequin bodice ripper. He also loses points for having what looks like a stove top appliqued on the front of his bodysuit (and for making me use the word "applique" in the previous sentence). He also eats apples to sustain his life force instead of corn and that lowers him on the Carl scale. Finally, his character is derived from Norse mythology and the Carl appreciates that sort of stuff. The Carl doesn't know why it likes it but it just does. Thor scores a 6 on the Carl scale.
The Flash: Violating the laws of physics scores big points on the Carl scale as we appreciate any unlawful behavior that doesn't actually get you arrested. After all, the Carl violates the laws of sanity. He loses points though because he's basically a guy who can run really fast. How boring is that? He also has tiny lightning bolts stapled to the side of his head and the Carl would prefer they were on his butt. On the bright side, his costume is cheesy and a little on the festive side. He's a hero and he's not afraid to show it by running around in a flaming red, skin-tight suit. The Flash rates 5 on the Carl scale.
The Tick: Okay, this one was a "gimme" so you could get a higher score. The Tick is clearly a 10 on the Carl scale. He rambles incoherently. He has antennae growing from his head. His rallying cry is, "spoooooon!" He's all blue. He's based on one of the most unappealing insects in the world and doesn't try to be cool or quippy. He is clueless and belongs in a loony bin. He's pure Carl distilled into superhero form. He couldn't be more Carl if he was doing the hornpipe and eating corn.
Superman: Superman is the most popular hero in America and is clean cut, well-mannered, hard-working, and devoted and that really hurts his C.Q. He's a 50's kind of guy who for some reason has a 60's kind of girlfriend. The fact that Superman is so clean cut that he's not cool gains him a point or two on the Carl scale, but choosing a girlfriend most people just hate and feel is a bad match for him cuts down a bit on his gains. No self-respecting Carl is going to condone Lois Lane. On the other hand, he wears his Underoos on the outside and that gives him big points. However, we don't like his hair. Nuff said. C.Q. = 2.
Calculating your Carl score:
Subtract the difference between your answer and the official answers given above. Find the sum of those differences and compare your sum to the scale below:
0-8: Carl Nirvana is at hand.
9-17: You've got potential but need some attitude adjustments. You've still got too much sanity left to pass for Carl.
18-26: You're starting to get in the swing of things, but still have a long way to go.
27-36: You've barely gotten started and probably really don't know what the Carl is but are just lamely guessing because you want it so bad (we don't blame you for wanting it, everyone does) and it's going to be a harsh corn-less road ahead for you.
Finally, if you bothered to score yourself, you're very likely nowhere near being a Carl. Doing math is effort and the Carl is not a fan of effort.
1 comment:
In all honesty, I think the Tick might indeed score bonus Carl points if he were actually hornpiping or eating corn. And if he were doing both at the same time whilst still exclaiming "spoooooooooon!" at the top of his lungs (garbled somewhat by a mouthful of corn, that is)... well, I'm not sure that level of Carl can be described, and it probably shouldn't be in front of the uninitiated. Their fragile psyches might implode.
Post a Comment