It has come to the attention of the Carls that the filthy minkeys have been overusing our Sharon. Now, we can understand the urge to use our Sharon because she's one of the few players who knows what she's doing most of the time. In fact, one of the wags in our alliance once referred to her as "CarlWiki" because she seems to have the answers to all questions. However, we must protest this over-use of our Sharon.
The situation in which we are finding ourselves (that is, us, the glorious Carl) is that, by the time Shawn and I log in and are ready to have ourselves some Carlish fun, Sharon has already been played with for 2-3 hours. Often, she has been consorting with monkeys during long and difficult missions. By the time you are finished with her, she's in a ragged and almost spent state. Her batteries are practically drained and she's dirty and disheveled. Frankly, we're too impatient to put her in the recharger and too lazy to tidy her up so we'd just rather you stopped using her before we get a chance to do so. If you can't play gently with her and return her to us in her original state, you can't play with her before us. You can have her when we're done. She was ours first, after all.
In conclusion, I must impress on you filthy minkeys that, as Shawn stated in the preceding post, Sharon is a vital cog in the Carl machine. Without her, we are an imbalanced entity and have no idea how to complete quests or find our way around the game. In fact, you'd be surprised at how hopeless Shawn and I are at accomplishing anything without her presence. Okay, so you wouldn't be surprised. My point is that she's ours and you can't have her so stop "borrowing" her and wearing her out. It's our job to tax her patience and fatigue her and it's a responsibility we enjoy. It's pretty much the only responsibility we enjoy.
(Note: In case there are any humor-impaired minkeys out there, I'll say that my tongue is in my cheek. That may actually arouse some of you perverse monkeys, but trust me that it has to do with indicating this post is not to be taken seriously and not some disgusting monkey sex thing.)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Musings on the Carl
Rejoice, my ravenous fans, for I am return-ed to these hallowed pages and I bring with me enlightenment for those legions of Carl supporters who have clamored for a deeper explanation of all things Carl. I should mention at this point that this post will not contain your usual allotment of screenshots of the Carls caught in action; instead, I plan to cover this screen with nothing more than words, most of which will be of the five-dollar variety, as I don't usually bother to carry larger denominations. Indeed, I am here today to shower you all with my own brand of understanding (as well as a substantial dose of verbiage), a process that may also answer the number one question most frequently asked of the Carls when they are discovered: How do I know if I am a Carl? (I say 'may', of course, because I haven't thought that far ahead and could care less anyway).
The roots of the Carl have been well-documented already in Shari's earlier post, and I dare not attempt to improve upon it. Any who find her explanation to be lacking in appropriate details will find my own attempts far far worse, and probably less coherent. That said, it should be understood that the Carl is far greater than this single instance; while AngelKitty's momentous (and, for Battle.net, surprisingly well-formatted) chatter spawned the current incarnation of the Carl that we all know and love, this did not, in fact, create the Carl. The Carl was there, waiting for us to discover it, and it transcends any one person, game, world, or run-on sentence. The first step one must make in their Carl understanding is simply to accept that this understanding will not--nay, cannot!--come. Only by no longer attempting to understand it can the Carl's nature even begin to be grasped.
I have never been documented claiming to understand the Carl; indeed, I have rarely been documented expressing any coherent thought at all. However, I find myself in a unique position in that that very lack of understanding is what makes this explanation possible. Perhaps this is simply because few things about the Carl make any form of logical sense, as is shown in how it manifests itself in its practitioners. In my case, the Carl obviously exhibits a disdain for all things straightforward and serious, much to Sharon's chagrin when facing the tide of red dots that I am driven to rile up. Sharon, on the other hand, displays the very opposite Carlish effect: her attention to detail balances my complete lack of attention at all. This is not to say that her Carl is weaker than my Carl (her lavishing of attention upon filthy simians aside), as it simply makes itself known in different ways. Perhaps this delicate balance should shed some light on the Carl's inner workings. Between Sharon's fastidiousness and my own lack of any -idiousness whatsoever, we guarantee that neither portion of the Carl's will is ever truly more powerful than the other. Just as I fulfill the Carl's demands by wandering off aimlessly, so too does she eventually ensure that we get where we're going, and both parties have a richer experience as a result.
My more attentive readers have no doubt noticed that I have omitted the third party that makes up the trio of Carl representatives dispatched to Arena.net thus far in my explanation. Rest assured that this is not implying that she is a lesser carrier of the Carl than either Sharon or myself; on the contrary, Shari is a peculiar example of what I have tentatively termed a "Self-Balancing Carl"(TM). This rare instance of inherent Carl balance allows Shari to display the Carlish attributes of both her comrades while still avoiding the greater extremes to which the other Carls have been known to visit. As may be surmised, this allows her to get along passably well with both Sharon's driven nature as well as my own driven insanity. With her influence, Sharon and I manage to avoid a veritable clash of the Carl extremes every time we are in the same district. How does she do this? I certainly am not the right one to ask; perhaps it's due to the stabilizing influence of her rarely-mentioned fellow Carl who has thus far not been allowed onto Anet's demesne, or perhaps she's simply had years of extended Carl development that I lack the attention span for. Whatever the cause, she stands as the epitome of a Carl that has adapted to operate within the realms of sanity and normal society.
I realize that this treatise may come across as favoring one aspect of the Carl over another, but please, dear reader, believe me when I say that the Carl does not play favorites. Except with Blorf, whose name is so insanely awesome that he is now and will forever be the Carl's favorite weird gremlin thing. And yes, I know the question remains unanswered, but if you've made it this far in the article and still even care about the answer, your Carl needs a serious tune-up. A hearty regimen of reading the Carl archives is strongly recommended.
The roots of the Carl have been well-documented already in Shari's earlier post, and I dare not attempt to improve upon it. Any who find her explanation to be lacking in appropriate details will find my own attempts far far worse, and probably less coherent. That said, it should be understood that the Carl is far greater than this single instance; while AngelKitty's momentous (and, for Battle.net, surprisingly well-formatted) chatter spawned the current incarnation of the Carl that we all know and love, this did not, in fact, create the Carl. The Carl was there, waiting for us to discover it, and it transcends any one person, game, world, or run-on sentence. The first step one must make in their Carl understanding is simply to accept that this understanding will not--nay, cannot!--come. Only by no longer attempting to understand it can the Carl's nature even begin to be grasped.
I have never been documented claiming to understand the Carl; indeed, I have rarely been documented expressing any coherent thought at all. However, I find myself in a unique position in that that very lack of understanding is what makes this explanation possible. Perhaps this is simply because few things about the Carl make any form of logical sense, as is shown in how it manifests itself in its practitioners. In my case, the Carl obviously exhibits a disdain for all things straightforward and serious, much to Sharon's chagrin when facing the tide of red dots that I am driven to rile up. Sharon, on the other hand, displays the very opposite Carlish effect: her attention to detail balances my complete lack of attention at all. This is not to say that her Carl is weaker than my Carl (her lavishing of attention upon filthy simians aside), as it simply makes itself known in different ways. Perhaps this delicate balance should shed some light on the Carl's inner workings. Between Sharon's fastidiousness and my own lack of any -idiousness whatsoever, we guarantee that neither portion of the Carl's will is ever truly more powerful than the other. Just as I fulfill the Carl's demands by wandering off aimlessly, so too does she eventually ensure that we get where we're going, and both parties have a richer experience as a result.
My more attentive readers have no doubt noticed that I have omitted the third party that makes up the trio of Carl representatives dispatched to Arena.net thus far in my explanation. Rest assured that this is not implying that she is a lesser carrier of the Carl than either Sharon or myself; on the contrary, Shari is a peculiar example of what I have tentatively termed a "Self-Balancing Carl"(TM). This rare instance of inherent Carl balance allows Shari to display the Carlish attributes of both her comrades while still avoiding the greater extremes to which the other Carls have been known to visit. As may be surmised, this allows her to get along passably well with both Sharon's driven nature as well as my own driven insanity. With her influence, Sharon and I manage to avoid a veritable clash of the Carl extremes every time we are in the same district. How does she do this? I certainly am not the right one to ask; perhaps it's due to the stabilizing influence of her rarely-mentioned fellow Carl who has thus far not been allowed onto Anet's demesne, or perhaps she's simply had years of extended Carl development that I lack the attention span for. Whatever the cause, she stands as the epitome of a Carl that has adapted to operate within the realms of sanity and normal society.
I realize that this treatise may come across as favoring one aspect of the Carl over another, but please, dear reader, believe me when I say that the Carl does not play favorites. Except with Blorf, whose name is so insanely awesome that he is now and will forever be the Carl's favorite weird gremlin thing. And yes, I know the question remains unanswered, but if you've made it this far in the article and still even care about the answer, your Carl needs a serious tune-up. A hearty regimen of reading the Carl archives is strongly recommended.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Profiles - Healing Carl
Name: Healing Carl
Height: Tiny. Very tiny.
Armor: Varies, but usually she wears the nice set the Dwarves made for her, dyed a nice pink.
Hairstyle: coiled buns.
Dependents: Many mini pets, the rest of the Carls.
Height: Tiny. Very tiny.
Armor: Varies, but usually she wears the nice set the Dwarves made for her, dyed a nice pink.
Hairstyle: coiled buns.
Dependents: Many mini pets, the rest of the Carls.
Turn-ons: Cathedral of Flame runs. Where she doesn't have to do anything. Getting lost. Masters on missions.
Turn-offs: excessive chatting during missions and quests. Someone in the party dieing. Warriors who run too fast.
Usually seen in the company of: filthy Minkeys.
Notable quotes:"Shawn, where are you going?"
"I need running shoes."
"I'm lost."
"I'm confused."
She who helms this avatar: Sharon
New Signal Signifies Need for The Carl
Where is the Carl? In a clear indication of just how greatly the denizens of Arena.net need the Carl, a new Carl signal in a shape reminiscent of design of the Carl Guild's cape was installed this past week. When a desperate need for the Carl arises, the signal is lit and a giant Carl signal is projected into the sky. Construction of a "Carlmobile" which can travel at top speeds and shoot lethal corn kernels or expel noxious fumes (only functional when an elf is on-board) is also planned once a body in the shape of a large piece of candy corn can be acquired.
It is expected that the signal will be used in the following circumstances in which the Carl's presence would be invaluable:
- Endangered corn.
- Excess efficiency or seriousness while questing needs defusing.
- An urgent need for yak or dolyak porn.
- Nipple-dying is desired.
- Wombats need stuffing.
- Filthy minkeys need putting in their place.
- Pants need fancying.
- Mini pets need walking.
- Toes need twinkling.
- Fireworks displays are required.
- Incoherence is wished for.
- Excess sanity needs diffusing.
- Free booze needs removal.
- Pelvis-thrusting dance-work (whether desired or not).
Death By Christmas Tree Branch
Who knew that vigorously thrusting a branch with lights glued on the end could be so deadly.Some of the Carl clan gets out less often than others. Tankarific is the social gadfly who goes everywhere and does everything. He is the favored child of his mistress. From his stern little face with knitted brows to his metal loincloth to his boozy breath, he's his mommy's favorite little avatar. That doesn't mean that there aren't other children in this happy family. Above you see Tankarific's little brother, Smiting Carl. You can see the family resemblance in the muscular tanned physiques and blond top-knot styles they share.
Smiting takes his brother's ugly dog out for walkies. While Tankarific is the conventional sort who smashes with axe and gets smashed (in more ways than one), Smiting has the self-esteem to forge his own path. Unlike the more perverse characters who display their individuality by dying their nipples purple, Smiting shows his stuff by choosing one of the least popular skill sets. While other pathetic, neurotic, needy monks chase after fighting types and magic types and heal them in hopes of winning their approval, Smiting responds to requests for healing with a hearty, "screw you guys." Smiting takes care of Smiting.
Don't let those sunny yellow overalls and hippie shoes mislead you, this Carl is one tough boy. He can mash your corn with a stern look and a shake of his branch. Better bring some self-heal if you plan on partying with this Carl. Oh, yeah.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Profiles - Tankarific Carl
The Carl presents you with a new feature. Well, it's a feature that may only have one installment if my slack-tacular fellow Carls don't follow my lead. The purpose of this is to help all our fanbois and fangrrls (it hurt me as much as it hurt you to write those words, possibly more) know the personalities, fetishes, and likely odors of the Carl characters.
We begin with the best of all Carl characters. Tankarific Carl.
Name: Tankarific Carl (duh!)
Height: on the shrimpy side, but what business is it of yours?
Armor: scrap metal, dyed orange
Hairstyle: blond sumo wrestler (chon-mage)
Dependents: one very ugly dog, a ping-pong ball popping turtle, a phoenix, and Shawn
Turn-ons: booze, corn, enemies with funny names, smashing things with an axe, free booze, getting lost, getting drunk, falling down, dancing, clapping his hands with excitement at the prospect of booze, making fun of filthy minkeys, cavorting about the guild hall, vanquishing
Turn-offs: 12-step programs, taking things seriously, farming for stuff, paying attention, sissies who fight with swords, following maps, dirt napping, stinky elves
Usually seen in the company of: Mesmerizing Carl, Jin, Olias, Tahlkora, Koss, Pyre, and hordes of fighting jerky
Notable quotes:
"Tankarific smash with axe?",
"I'm Tankarific."
"Looney."
"I'm lost."
"I'm confused."
"We're Carl."
She who helms this avatar: Shari
We begin with the best of all Carl characters. Tankarific Carl.
Name: Tankarific Carl (duh!)
Height: on the shrimpy side, but what business is it of yours?
Armor: scrap metal, dyed orange
Hairstyle: blond sumo wrestler (chon-mage)
Dependents: one very ugly dog, a ping-pong ball popping turtle, a phoenix, and Shawn
Turn-ons: booze, corn, enemies with funny names, smashing things with an axe, free booze, getting lost, getting drunk, falling down, dancing, clapping his hands with excitement at the prospect of booze, making fun of filthy minkeys, cavorting about the guild hall, vanquishing
Turn-offs: 12-step programs, taking things seriously, farming for stuff, paying attention, sissies who fight with swords, following maps, dirt napping, stinky elves
Usually seen in the company of: Mesmerizing Carl, Jin, Olias, Tahlkora, Koss, Pyre, and hordes of fighting jerky
Notable quotes:
"Tankarific smash with axe?",
"I'm Tankarific."
"Looney."
"I'm lost."
"I'm confused."
"We're Carl."
She who helms this avatar: Shari
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